Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanks

When it comes to being thankful... I'm slowly understanding what its all about, and i think i've got a better idea now. I'm thankful for all the good, and the bad. If it wasn't for everything in my past, i wouldn't be here now. So here are some of the things i'm just beginning to be thankful for and have been thankful for:

*A Home. Its a place to call home, with a space just for me. There's not many places in the world like that.

*My Little Brother and Sister. They're mine. All mine. And i don't have to share their sibilinghood with anyone else. And although i'd love to ship em off to Timbucktu, they keep life interesting and i love them no matter what they think or say.

*All the Boys. The ones that have stood by my side and those that have broken my heart. They've all given me the oppurtunity to feel loved, and some the best memories i could ever have. And i'm the only girl that has those memories. I think that makes me pretty special.

*Hope. Without it, i'm pretty sure i wouldn't be here right now. When the darkest hour comes, hope is the star that twinkles above reminding me to never give up. There's so much more to life than the here and now, and so much more to be thankful for.

*Friends. My true best friends. Mary. Alyx. Casey. Laura. Santo. Heather. Zoe. Those who were once upon a time. Tyler. Juliette. Matt. Katie. Jacob. Those who never were. You know who you are and where you belong within these 3 groups. With your friendship, i have become a better person. As some leave my life to continue their own, it's effected me. But i'm greatful for it because it's helped to make me who i am. Without the love, the hurt, the ignorance and the bliss... i'm not sure what i would be like. Regardless, i'm happy the way i am and that even though some days i'll say i'm a terrible person, i have friends to remind me i'm not.

*Words, words, words. They give me the ability to cry. To laugh. To be happy. To explain my thoughts as complicated or simply as i can. They can make me or break me. Without words, i'd never be able to sing. Or write. Or describe a morning sun rise. Or attempt to explain how greatful i really am for the life i have.

*Meine gute Deutsche Setze. Ich liebe zu sprecke Deutsche, und ich habe Frau Lamereaux zu sprecke "Danka" zu. Diese Jahre, sie hat die "Ente Leid" gesprecht fur die klasse. Die "Ente Leid" hat meine augen vor wasserin gehaltet. Ich kann spreche Englisch, aber ich kann spreche Deutshe zu! Ja Vole!

*The Duck Song. 1, 2, & 3. They make me happy when i am sad. The make good inspiration for CupCake Monday. Would you like Grapes or Lemonade with that?

*Silence. Sometimes lounder than sound, the silence allows all my thoughts to come out. The ones i can't think with a million different things humming in me ear. Thank you, sweet silence.

*All the little things in life. A smile here and there. Finding a penny tails side up and flipping it over to give the next person a little luck. Remembering it's the weekend so i can sleep in.
Getting over 100 texts throughout the school day containing only this weird smiley :E and noticing it only after my inbox has been filled. Saying whats on my mind. Dancing like no one's watching. Giving my puppy a kiss.

*Waking up each morning, and going to bed every night. Because for some people, they don't get another sunrise or sunset </3

I'm thankful for so very much, and above all i'm thankful for the god that watches over me and has blessed me with everything i have. i can't fit it into one religion, gender, size, colour, species, nationality, or anything else... But i know there's someone or something watching over me and knowing that gives me a piece of mind. So thank you. Thank you all. And of course thank you to the turkey that had no choice but to help fill my belly. Happy thanksgiving everyone.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Drafting Hidden Wonders

There are some nights when i just have to go through my drafts to see what kind of unfinished thoughts are there... This was one of those nights, with quite a bit of hidden wonders.

Love

Love knows no age.
No definition of beauty.
No measurement of distance.
Love goes where it wants to.
It cannot be forbidden.
It cannot be controlled.
It cannot be kept buried inside a heart.
Love belongs out in the open.
It needs to be shared.
It needs to be accepted for what it is.
Love knows.
It cares.
It hurts.
It loves.

By Myself

After so many years of crying over lost loves and loves that never were, i feel.... alright. I'm at that point where i've accepted life for what it is, and there's nothing i can do to change it. Maybe in time someone amazing will come into my life for the better, but for now i'm okay with being by myself.

The Mask

I have decided that i don't like to feel vulnerable... i need to hide behind the mask that i've tried to perfect over the years. It keeps me safe, it keeps me to myself, which is the way it should be. It used to give me the strength to bury the pain inside and to keep the tears from coming. Even though that doesn't work anymore, the mask keeps life simple... it keeps people from getting too close. If i don't grow close to people, it makes it easier to be left behind, when everyone decides to up and leave once again. My thoughts and feelings, they're too easy to be taken advantage of without the mask.

To My Feet Again

There are some days where i find myself curled up on the floor, knees up to my chin, arms around them. That's when i know i have gotten to my breaking point, and only letting my sorrow, frustration, pain go will help me to my feet again.

Days

There were days when i didn't want you around.
But there were more days when i loved your company.

Letting the Memories Go

I think i've figured out the reason i have the hardest time letting go. If i give up hope in you coming back around, then i give up hope on us. And i don't wanna give up on us. But it's more than that, its the memories... I can't get them out of my head. And i don't want to forget. I don't wanna forget what it was like to be with you, i don't wanna forget what it felt to be loved. If i let you go, try to move on... i'm afraid i'll forget. By fighting the memories, they'll eventually lay down their arms and slowly walk away... Untill i can no longer get to them again.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Tears of Night

As silent as the night approaching,
the tears start to fall.
Slowly they rain down,
gently kissing my cheek.
If only they would leave,
But the memories keep them coming.
As if every second gives them reason
to stay and break my heart.
The darkness atleast gives cover
to hide the proof of everything that's wrong.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Missing You, the Ear Worm

Missing you is like getting a song stuck in my head.
Someone's played thirty seconds of it,
just enough to get the words implanted deep inside.
The only way to get this ear worm out is to hear the whole song.
But without you here,
the song will never be complete,
and thus you'll never leave my head.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Musical Thoughts

"Sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye", but what if there was no goodbye? What if the other person just upped and left... how can i move on? The goodbye is closure for me, and without one... I'll just be missing you untill that one day i wake up and won't think of you at all.
(Carrie Underwood; Starts With Goodbye)

"You can't fall in love alone", but you can be in love alone. The person you fall in love with doesn't have to love you back.
(Thriving Ivory; Love Alone)

"I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." Having a cold heart is like living a meaningless exsistance. There's no joy, or sadness to counter the joy. If my heart breaks, and the tears start to roll down my face, then i atleast know i'm alive and that i was living for something, for someone. I know that eventually time will heal the pain, but it takes much more to feel something when there's nothing to begin with.
(Lady Antebellum; Need You Now)

Monday, November 14, 2011

My Story

my life is a story.
each fascicle is different,
but connected in millions of different ways.
am i my own author?
or does someone else pen my life for me?
if i was to choose my own adventure,
would it be that i'm writing my own story,
or just following the one that someone had chosen for me?
because it always seems like i'm five pages ahead,
or just a page behind.
no matter what i do,
i can't seem to catch up to where i should be.
i'm asleep when i should be awake
i'm in love where there's no love to be found
i'm hurting when there's nothing to harm me.
i feel like someone is flipping through my tome,
making sure i can't live in reality,
but only in the literary present tense.
what's worse is when i'm sitting on the floor,
all disheveled and a mess.
with my pages all bent and ripped;
are they the scars of a much loved tale,
or of an untold romance?
its been said that when Once Upon a Time met The End,
there was no Happily Ever After.
that's how my story goes.
that's how my story ends.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Left in the Rain

Right now... I don't know if i should be laughing or crying cause at the moment i'm doing both. A year's gone by since we've met and its been months since i've gotten over you. But every once in awhile my head brings up what shoulda-coulda-woulda been, and there's a pin of pain that's still there.... time and time again i swore i was never going down that road again. You told me you cared... You held me in your arms for hours and then you kissed me goodnight... You had me fall in love with you... I was heads over heels and didn't care what other people thought. I was happy to be with you and to know that i had someone that cared... But then something happened and you dumped me on my ass. Everything you made me believe was gone, and your feelings changed without a damn reason as to why. So i cut you out of my life and swore to never let you back in again. But then today.... i thought i saw you today at the DMV. Thankfully, i didn't see your face and that is all for the better because i don't need you in my life. I don't need to go down that road again. You broke my heart to the point where it went gone cold from all the pain... just so i could move on. But what did i get tonight, but a friend request from facebook. Yeah, that little part of my heart that holds all the pain from the shoulda-coulda-wouldas? Well it accepted your request... But that in no way shape or form makes us friends again. So how long will it last this time? Cause i refuse to go down this road again.... i will not be left out in the cold for the umpteenth time wondering where the hell i went wrong with something that had felt so right. I refuse to hurt that much again if i can help it. The tears that fell for you... for us... honey, they just weren't worth it. I'm trying to move on with my life, so making it through this year with you still out of it will make that dream a reality. So save all the excuses, all the lies, and all the "i miss you"s. I don't wanna hear it. And i can promise that i've decided how long this is gonna last, and it's not gonna be long. Because, as i recall... when it rains on you baby... it pours. And i'm not gonna be the girl next to you when you decide to leave her in the rain.

Monday, November 07, 2011

A Fire Hiaku

Playing with fire,
is very dangerous we know.
But who cares? Its fun(:

Dedicated to Mary and Pal, the Fire Spirit =|

Hope

Although it may seem like there's no hope in sight, don't let go. Don't lose sight of who you are and what you aspire to be. Because there is always hope. Hope is there, under your skin, pulsing throughout your body. For as long as there is a heart to keep you living, there is hope that tomorrow may bring a better day. There is hope that the hands that are only your own may make your troubles go away. You have the power to make your life the best it is. Even if you can't change the circumstances, the state of mind you perceive them in makes all the difference. Sometimes the reminder is all in the wrist...

Cocopuffs and Endless Hugs

Because noone else will ever see this, i'll committ all my thoughts to prove to myself that i did believe what i was trying to feel. Your arms around me, holding me tight... trying to escape the tickles, it could turn any frown i had upside down. I couldn't be unhappy even if i tried while i was next to you. What we almost had years ago, it didn't work because a real relationship is based off of friendship, off of trial and error, broken hearts and endless hugs. I never thought jealousy was my thing, till i saw you with her and i wished it was me you were with. And when i saw you with some of my best friends, i realized that i needed to stop running from the fear of being hurt again. And it was with that moment, that i decided that i want to try to make this work. But now you're gone, never to return, and i'm left with nothing but the tears. (and a full pack of gum) Its all because i didn't say anything sooner. And i'm sorry. So, so, very sorry...Cocopuffs & endless hugs...if only...