Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Just...

I'm so tired. As of 2:48 this morning I've slept maybe an hour or two in total... But as it's that time now this is what I feel (rather was feeling):
I feel like my heart is the heaviest thing in my body compared to my empty stomach... if I were to eat something now, i just don't think i'd feel any better. Pain if I don't eat, or possibly be sick if I do. Which is the lesser evil? There's so much on my mind it's like a cloud keeping all the connections in my brain going, and I can say that it isn't the Pepperment Mocha I had at 7:00 last night. I just... I just don't know what to do or say anymore... Today we wear purple to raise awareness for Teen Dating Abuse and to stand against it and I'm an announcer for the morning announcements AND to topp theis loverly cake off I was personally asked to tell the school about the arrangements. I don't know how I'm going to do that on camera and keep my composure, and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep what's left of my mask on. My
barrier to the world shattered when I left something behind one night... And I can't keep it to myself anymore. As I lay awake more so now (it's 2:58) my stomach is crying for something to fill it. But I know I'll get hell if I walk downstairs and find my stepdad up... It'll be "why aren't you in bed?" "go back to bed". Or something derrogatory about my actions or thoughts on everything... not a word of "how are you" or "let's talk about this". That's what my mum would do when we wre little... When we couldn't sleep she would have me come sit on her bed and get me to open up with all the problems and things that were bohering me and everything. But not anymore. "You're the child, I'm the parent" is their creedo that they live by.nothing else matters but the rules and that everything happens as they see fit. I just can't take it any longer, I can't play their silly game. Coming home a  little late but before the night's set curfew of 11:30 from a friends house where the 3 of us sat and talked about everything. I had told my mum when I got home from school earlier that afternoon that I needed a shower, and so when I got home this time around I asked again. Her answer, their answer rather, was NO. "It's way past your bed time [10pm fyi] and you know you can't shower in the morning." "BUT! I'm doing the morning announcements!" my mother's answer: "Wear a hat". "So.... You expected me to choose between my hygiene and my best friend who is having such a hard time holding it together... That's ridiculous." "You're the one being rediculous." and somehwere along the line or everything she made holier-art-thou comment of "you didn't even care about who the kind was until you remembered you did history day together." My jaw must have hit the floor. "...excuse me?!? I NEVER EVER SAID THAT" "that's what it seemed like to me..." with not even a hint of remorse  or backing down in her voice. And from there I became the bad guy as I wasn't considerate of thinking  on how she
hasn't been home yet at all since leaving for work at 8:45ish. And how I haven't even asked how she's doing with dealing with the loss of her best friend's mother, along with the fact she can't be up there for the services. I'm a terrible person here... I'm inconsiderate of others and I only care about myself, lets just make that perfectly clear. It's quite obvious that I'm the worst daughter anyone could have, I'm a failure at life and I just plain suck. Seriously, with the way they talk to me and treat me, that's how I feel. THE  DOGS GET MORE RESPECT THAN I DO. Everyone else get's my mother's time... But not me.
Anyways now it's currently 3:31 and i've finally taken the headphones off, gone to the bathroom (the coffee was getting to me), paused typing for a little while just to makesure I was the only one awake (stepdad went to bed, and it's early for him actually)(please feel free to detect the scarcasm in my typed voice). I'm still hungry but I don't think I can  eat... Maybe I can get another hour of sleep before I get up at 5 to tackle washing my hair in the sink so I don't wake anyone up or get in the shower... The things I do just to break the rules... I'm such a terrible person huh?

7 comments:

  1. I really like to comment but I dont know what to say.Bad people arent like you bad people would only think about what other people do.And the post you put on my blog was not inconsiderate. And If you only care about yourself you wouldent care to write on a blog. And Im not trying to judge. Your mom probrably just wants you to get sleep and by the way you wrote It it sounds like she is stressed or something. If she is stressed you should take that into account when you talk to her. I havent read much of your blog so I dont expect to know as much about it as you do. All I know Is that she is probrably trying to help at least thats what I think. I can relate a little though because for a long time I diden't think anyone cared to listen to me so I wouldent listen to them either. After I got a clue I started listening to their point of view and It really helped. So I went forward with a good attitude. And sometimes I didn't I could have a good attitude but no matter what happens you always can. Sorry this comment Is so long I dident think I would write this much.
    Sincerely:Rocket man

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  2. Also tell me What you want me to whrite next on my blog Im glad to have a new veiwer and an interesting blog to look at. :)

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  3. I was wondering how old you are. You dont have to tell me but it would probrably be easier to talk If I did. Your age is probrably on your blog but but I cant read right now. Thanks :)

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  4. Hi.

    Wow, it sounds like you had a really rough night! I'm so sorry... I hope things smoothed out in the morning and that the announcements went well.

    PS. Give your mom a hug. :) I hope it will help you both to feel better! And be sure to count blessings tonight to help you sleep! :)

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  5. Thank you to you both for your comments(:

    Rocketman, I love reading anything anyone has to say, length doesn't matter, I'll read it all and I'm only 18 but I feel sometimes like I'm much older.

    Corine, The announcements did go well... before hand I had talked to my principal about announcing the arrangements and he did and when the viewings and funeral came around a lot of people showed up which was wicked nice. And I really have started to count my blessings, because I know now how fast everything can be taken away. And I think I will hug my mum tonight... but it's just one of those things we don't really do. Ever since I was little we've always kissed goodnight and said "Sweet dreams" but for some reason hugs are rare.

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  6. This one was a good read, I wonder if sometimes we can write more fluently and with better proficiency when we're upset. The words just seem to spill on the page. I completely feel for you with the family issues... I had tons of trouble with my parents about various things (though not to the extreme that you wrote about...). It wasn't until I went to Spain for a semester and then came home that I really realized how much I really valued them and things have been better since. Teen years are just hard, and I'm not sure why but boundaries are pushed and patience tested on both sides, I think. So don't get too frustrated, I'm sure in time things will sort themselves out. And while it does, your blogger family is always here to listen and lend a helping hand :)

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  7. Awee well thank you very much... that's something that I'm newly discovering and loving about Blogger. (:

    I do think that when feelings are running high, everything does seem to run out onto the page. You don't have to think as hard when you're writing about the feeling you are currently feeling... I only have a couple months of high school left and then I'm off to college. I'm hoping the distance can help to relax the tensions. I hope that through college I can travel abroad and go back to England, where I was born. I know things will get better in time, and it really does help to hear a reminder from others so thank you(:

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