I'm so tired. As of 2:48 this morning I've slept maybe an hour or two in total... But as it's that time now this is what I feel (rather was feeling):
I feel like my heart is the heaviest thing in my body compared to my empty stomach... if I were to eat something now, i just don't think i'd feel any better. Pain if I don't eat, or possibly be sick if I do. Which is the lesser evil? There's so much on my mind it's like a cloud keeping all the connections in my brain going, and I can say that it isn't the Pepperment Mocha I had at 7:00 last night. I just... I just don't know what to do or say anymore... Today we wear purple to raise awareness for Teen Dating Abuse and to stand against it and I'm an announcer for the morning announcements AND to topp theis loverly cake off I was personally asked to tell the school about the arrangements. I don't know how I'm going to do that on camera and keep my composure, and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep what's left of my mask on. My
barrier to the world shattered when I left something behind one night... And I can't keep it to myself anymore. As I lay awake more so now (it's 2:58) my stomach is crying for something to fill it. But I know I'll get hell if I walk downstairs and find my stepdad up... It'll be "why aren't you in bed?" "go back to bed". Or something derrogatory about my actions or thoughts on everything... not a word of "how are you" or "let's talk about this". That's what my mum would do when we wre little... When we couldn't sleep she would have me come sit on her bed and get me to open up with all the problems and things that were bohering me and everything. But not anymore. "You're the child, I'm the parent" is their creedo that they live by.nothing else matters but the rules and that everything happens as they see fit. I just can't take it any longer, I can't play their silly game. Coming home a little late but before the night's set curfew of 11:30 from a friends house where the 3 of us sat and talked about everything. I had told my mum when I got home from school earlier that afternoon that I needed a shower, and so when I got home this time around I asked again. Her answer, their answer rather, was NO. "It's way past your bed time [10pm fyi] and you know you can't shower in the morning." "BUT! I'm doing the morning announcements!" my mother's answer: "Wear a hat". "So.... You expected me to choose between my hygiene and my best friend who is having such a hard time holding it together... That's ridiculous." "You're the one being rediculous." and somehwere along the line or everything she made holier-art-thou comment of "you didn't even care about who the kind was until you remembered you did history day together." My jaw must have hit the floor. "...excuse me?!? I NEVER EVER SAID THAT" "that's what it seemed like to me..." with not even a hint of remorse or backing down in her voice. And from there I became the bad guy as I wasn't considerate of thinking on how she
hasn't been home yet at all since leaving for work at 8:45ish. And how I haven't even asked how she's doing with dealing with the loss of her best friend's mother, along with the fact she can't be up there for the services. I'm a terrible person here... I'm inconsiderate of others and I only care about myself, lets just make that perfectly clear. It's quite obvious that I'm the worst daughter anyone could have, I'm a failure at life and I just plain suck. Seriously, with the way they talk to me and treat me, that's how I feel. THE DOGS GET MORE RESPECT THAN I DO. Everyone else get's my mother's time... But not me.
Anyways now it's currently 3:31 and i've finally taken the headphones off, gone to the bathroom (the coffee was getting to me), paused typing for a little while just to makesure I was the only one awake (stepdad went to bed, and it's early for him actually)(please feel free to detect the scarcasm in my typed voice). I'm still hungry but I don't think I can eat... Maybe I can get another hour of sleep before I get up at 5 to tackle washing my hair in the sink so I don't wake anyone up or get in the shower... The things I do just to break the rules... I'm such a terrible person huh?