Saturday, March 31, 2012

Snow Day!

Come on cold weather
make a miracle happen
bring on a snow day!

Old Status Boredom

So I've been going through my Facebook timeline, only because they're forcing me to change into it and I have nothing else better to do, and I've found some pretty interesting status updates from the past couple of years:

" there is no such thing as disappointment. . . only prolonged excitement fueled by the innocence of hope. "

" enjoyed dancing barefoot in the yard under the sweet sun shine earlier... tempted to do the same under the moon but its getting cold ): "

" why am i trying to find new people to talk to? the best are those i haven't talked to in forever ♥ "

" wish on eyelashes, wish on stars, wish on coins and on time; wish on flowers, wish on candles, wish on bones and stones. whatever you wish on wish it from the heart and may all your wishes come true ♥ "

" there's nothing more i want to do than break the ice... but once it starts to crack there's no going back. "

" You know what? Go save the fluffy unicorns. "

" i shall go to sleep smiling and dream about the future, both near and far "

" So... Uh... Yeahhhhhh... My phone I guess has been really jealous of me being in the water lately that it decided to jump from the basket I placed on the table onto the boat ramp and slid so very gracefully into the lake. Here's to hoping rice works!!! "

" Have you ever had the feeling where there's people that you wish you talked to more or still talked to? Yeah, i have that feeling. "

" curled up in the back seat with my little pillow and stuffed animals... reminds me of the good ole days ^.^ "

" Last night's movie line-up: Rio, MAMD, Tangled, The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm not sure what to say about this... "

" i'm an open book to whomever dares to turn the cover "

" "That's life" they say... They also say that patience is a virtue, love is a game, and that there are two sides to every story. So when will my patience pay off in this game? When will the two sides shut up long enough to let the truth come out? Both may not happen... cause as they say, "that's life". "

" Me thinks that fall is on its way, with this crisp cool air and leaves changing to warm dying colours. "

" Glitter, mud, and fire... What a great bonfire :D "

" .....i smell like corn......ew...... "

" If you connect the dots of life, you'll see that everything happens for a reason. "

" don't bother being mean... kill 'em with kindness. "

" YAYYYYYYY I'M ACCEPTED TO ALBRIGHT :D "

" Why does it seem like in a lot of the christmas movies involving the North Pole, characters leave to find something better? "

" feeling a bit klutzy..... "

" Pancakes for dinner... something I imagine Morrie would have loved doing. "

" with one foot already out the door why would you want to stay? "

" so much to say... and not enough time to say it. "

" sometimes, having the strength to cry and let it all out is greater than having the strength to bury it deep down inside. "

" I think it's gonna be a me, myself, and I movie night with my sock monkey to protect me if I get scared -.- "

" All i want is a boy who replies "as you wish" ♥ "

" have you ever tried rebuilding a bridge after there's nothing left but the ropes? it's hard )': "

" If this world came down to anything, friendship is more valuable than anything else. And to traded in friendship for something more makes it more vounerable to hurt and loss... And it just isn't worth that risk♥ "

" Krista: "How do you coach someone to run?" Laura: "The coaches yell, RUN, FOREST, RUN!" ♥ the Zimmermans (: "

" I am an e-bookaphobe and this says it all: "If you want to OWN a book, you'd better buy the dead-tree edition." ~The Week 2-17-12 "

" The Challenge: who gets the last cinnamon bun? Answer: Whomever isn't dead yet. Let the Hunger Games Begin! "

" I'm trading in my heels for hiking boots my 'good' jeans for holey ones and swe - I'm trading in my heels for hiking boots, my 'good' jeans for holey ones and sweats, and my makeup for dirt. That's the real way to go camping! (: "

" would feeding animal crackers to my dog be considered a form of caniblism? :P "

" If I were to put something where I thought safe, as to not loose it, where would I put it? "

" Sleeping in is a beautiful thing... but when the whole house sleeps in, it's priceless. "

" now i know why cats like to nap in pools of sunlight(: "

" The smell of straighteners, hairspray, and coffee... It's unlike anything else(: "

So yeah... that would be the result of going through my Facebook career, minus the first year I was on haha (I was a freshman then, and everything was just...not interesting)

An Amazing Senior Night

Last night, I had one of the best nights of my senior year. I got to spend it with my best friend, the only guy that seems to know everything about me, and I'd trust him with anything. He's like a brother to me, and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Our night consisted going out to the movies, something that we had been trying to do for awhile now. But the movie we saw is the surprising part.

From the moment I knew it was coming out,  I absolutely HAD to go see it. I had actually been talking to him that day when I had seen the commercial, and when I told him that I wanted to go see The Lorax, it was obvious he didn't share my enthusiasm. I wasn't broken-hearted, because I just figure I'd find some other poor sap to bring with me. Anyways, fast-forward a couple of weeks to last Sunday and we were having a conversation where we put everything out on the the table again, making sure that everything between the two of us was good. (We had gotten to some rough spots last month, and we've been working on getting our friendship back to normal.) Then... Compleatly out of the blue, he asks me if I still want to see The Lorax. My response was something like:

"*eyes grow as big as saucers and light up like a christmas tree* :D
....
....
...you really mean it?"

That's when I knew we were definitely back to the way we used to be and that there was nothing to worry about anymore.

So we ended up going last night. We got there early and talked and caught up on stories from his troop trip to NYC the weekend before. At first we were the only ones in the theatre but then some other teenagers (as in our age, 17/18) filed in.... And all the guys I saw didn't seem too thrilled to be there but all the girls seemed to be as happy I was(: When the movie started I couldn't stop smiling and giggling.... I can be such a little kid sometimes ^.^

In the end, it was a WICKED adorable movie! I absolutely loved it, and he even laughed a couple of times. It was a wonderful night, and to spend it with my best friend made it a great start to this wicked busy weekend.

An Idea with Wings

I had an idea...
But now it's gone.
I'm trying to find it;
but like a buttlerfly,
it's flown away,
just out of reach.

Friday, March 30, 2012

A Shmorgishborg Kinda Post

It's been an odd week.... One of those that seem to come and go. I haven't been able to wrap my head around what's going on, how much time has passed or how I've been feeling. Overall, I'd say that this has been another wonderful week, and those that are to come should be just as good. But still... I feel like life is running away from me. Or is it running away with me? Regardless,

It's running...

Running...

Away.

And I need some time to just sit and catch up. On the contrary, I need time to just sit and get everything that I need done. There's so much.... And it's officially spring so I think I need to clean my room again, not only to get it clean but to also find a folder full of poems I wrote last summer at camp. I've checked everywhere I thought I would have put it, thinking that they were safe spots where I wouldn't forget about it but it seems to me that it has decided to play hide-and-seek with me. The catch is, when I cry "OllieOllieOxenFree!"... It still won't show itself. -_-

But not only does my room need cleaning, I think I need to clean my head. All my thoughts and priorities and everything seem mixed up... I don't even know what I'm writing right now. But what I think I do know is that there really isn't a point...

*sigh*

Eventually I'll get myself straightened out. Life had started to return to normal after the play ended last weekend... OH! There's so much I've been meaning to write about and I just haven't had the time but the play... It was a lot of fun, and I'm kind of sad it's over. It was an arrangement of songs that ranged from "Delta Dawn" and "Elvira" to "It's Raining Men," "Rolling in the Deep," and "I've Had the Time of My Life." I had a wonderful time singing and dancing with friends on the new school stage for the last time in my high school career. But now that that's over...

I can spend my time cleaning for a couple bucks while fighting senioritis.... (By the way anyone know how to do Physics using Calc? I have no clue what's going on....) and I can start to prepare for college and getting summer plans together (that's another wicked long story).

Wow.

I wish I had some revelation to share and maybe I'll come up with something to write in another post but for now I'm sorry to have left you all another odd arrangement of words. I've left behind a couple of poems to magically appear over the weekend, but hopefully I'll be able to get on a computer at some point so I can tell you all how amazing Albright is. (There's a scholarship dinner Sunday, and I'm spending the night there and going to classes the next day... words cannot describe my excitement!) But until then, have a good weekend and I'll catch up with you soon(:

WHOA!

Another thing to write about, and because this post doesn't seem to have much direction, might as well share it here...

Tonight is some kind of Blog Fest in a local pub where bloggers and other kinds of people from good ole NEPA are getting together. That's something I can't wait to be able to do. Being able to connect in real life... well... YES this is real life but what I more so mean is that to be able to meet and connect in person would be awesome. To be able to read the words others have written and have the voice inside my head become their voice is something that only face to face interaction can produce. Weird, I know, but it's being able to hear the words as they would actually speak them, the stress that they would put on certain phrases or the amount of sincerity or sarcasm that they would inject a comment with... it just adds another layer to writing I believe.

Thus leads me to the hope that maybe one day I could share some time over a nice cup of coffee with some of the people I look up to and hold in high regards... yes I'm talking about YOU(: each comment you leave is like getting a present and I always appreciate the thoughts. The sense of community that has resulted is like always having a little bubble filled with compassion that I can go into when I'm feeling down. I know I say it a lot, but thank you<3

And so I have ran out of time so let's try this again!

...

Have a good weekend... I'll catch up with you soon(:

Lub-Dub

lub-dub
lub-dub
my heart goes
lub-dub
lub-dub
with every beat
lub-dub
lub-dub
these feelings pulse through my body
lub-dub
lub-dub
pain, hatred, anger
lub-dub
lub-dub
sadness
lub-dub
lub-dub
if only I could become numb
lub-dub
lub-dub
I don't wanna feel this anymore
lub-dub
lub-dub
lub-dub
lub-dub
lub...

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

A Subtle Change?

The attention to detail that little kids hold has always made me laugh... and today the preschool kids I work with were at it again! Often they question why I have a scratch on my face, or that they like my jewelry, but today they were all over the big thing that all my friends seemed to have missed. From the second I walked into the room it was:

"STEPHIE!!!! WHERE ARE YOUR GLASSES?!?"


I had to laugh as I tried to explain that I had tiny lenses on my eye instead of the glasses, and one of the little boys, Gary, took his off and he said "I wish I had contacts so I didn't have to worry about my glasses anymore." But he said it in such a cute almost sad way that made me feel really sorry for him but my reply was that he has to wait until he's older because eyes are constantly changing. From there we went back to the puzzle he was working on, but the fact that the kids were all over what I didn't have made me smile. Meanwhile, all my teachers and the majority of my friends didn't have a clue about the change. Now it wouldn't surprise me if I was going between glasses and contacts on a day to day basis, but because I've had to wear my glasses for the past 4 months, I thought someone might notice. *sigh* Oh well, not that big of a deal... I get to go home at the end of the day and catch up on more TV and eat cookies and do nothing so life is good(:

Love is like a Dream

Love is like a dream.
You don't know when it began,
you don't know when you're in it,
and once the realization sets in,
it's over.
All that's remembered is the end...
Possibly bit and pieces's of the middle.
You can't touch it,
and mostly it's too good to be true.
A dream is like love.
Which are you in?

Get on the Ride!

Sometimes life is good... But sometimes it suckerpunches you in the gut and it just plain sucks. But then it gets better again... It's a bit of an overused metaphore but it really is a rollercoaster, with all it's up and downs. But hey, if you don't dare to ride it, then you'll miss all the fun it is to ride with your hands up in the air, wind in your face, the butterflies in your stomache and the weightlessness of floating if only for a second<3

Monday, March 26, 2012

Dust Poem #3

Floating in the air
full of energy and life.
Once tired, each spec rests...
making it time to clean.

Dust Poem #2

Sunlight gives the shape
and wind the breeze to
little acrobats in the air.

Dust Poem #1

Each breath carries
death closer.
Lungs slowly fill up.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Ode to Dallas High School, (The Old Building)

Am I walking through Senior Hall?
Have I sat down in the Cafeteria?
Are my tears reflected in the mirrors of the girls bathroom?
I couldn't tell you if it was so.
My memories are all that I have
of what now is just ruts in the dirt.

Luck

As I walk along the road,
I spot a field of clovers to my left.
The temptation to stop is strong.
Am I passing up good luck?
But the good sense inside me speaks up
and reminds me:
Luck cannot be found.
I have to make my own luck.

Should Have Worn a Jacket

Am I cold?
The sun makes me warm
but the breeze cuts through my light shirt.

The Best Place on Earth

Smell the trees
See people like ants
Hear the fun
Call Knobles home

Laa Ti Da

Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa…
Hmm…
Oohh…
Naaa…
Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa…
Hmm…
Ehhh…
Nuhuh.
Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa Ti Da
Laa…
Tehehe
Oooo…
Hehehehe
Oo la la…
Mmhhmm…

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Red Light

Fathers.
Workers.
Some believed in God.
Peach Marchers.
Liars.
Men of everyday life
who volunteered away everything
for one reason or another.
In the end they were to gain it all back,
along with monetary pleasure.
Little did they know that they were to gain much more.
And for one…
Much less.

It was two weeks,
to become a different person.
Some were dubbed guards,
the rest became prisoners
to be kept inside a basement
with only a few rules.
Could it have been they were escaping the prison of reality,
if only for a short time?
Maybe it was so,
but only at first.

Man’s true instinct took over
as irresistible forces pulled at their subconscious.
It created desires and goals
only achievable by irrational behavior.
Fearless power became God.
Yet the only thing He had to fear was
The Red Light.

Little by little the envelope was pushed.
Boundaries were tested.
Loyalties made,
and broken.
With actual human lives on the line,
some lost sight of who they were.
Others hid from the Man in the Mirror.
Yet without the Red Glow,
despite the constant flow of Red Liquid,
It continued.

Will lost his Strength.
Hope lost his Will.
Freedom lost his Hope.
Man lost his Freedom.
In the face of self righteousness,
everyman lost his Strength.

Strength in the Bible.
Strength in Peace.
Strength in Creativity.
Strength in Life.

When the Proletarians
broke their prisoner’s chains
they made their Marx.
Once one could no longer have the chance to see the Red Light,
That is all anyone else could see.

Only pain,
as the doors opened
took away the fear of the Red Light.

Words not Wounds (In This Case)

.......
One.
Just to check that I'm still breathing.
.......
Two.
To make sure I still have a heart that feels.
Three.
For every mistake I've made.
Four... Five... Six...
Maybe next time I'll be smarter.
Seven.
Just because I can.
.......
Eight.
.......
Nine.
Ten... Eleven... Twelve...
ThirteenFourteenFifteenSixteenSeventeenEighteenNineteenTwentyTwentythreeTwentyEightThirtytwoThirtynineFortyfiveFiftyoneSixtyseven
.
..
....
I have to dig deep within myself to find myself.
To find that little piece of strength that ran away.
I have to call that little soldier,
that David,
to fight the Goliath within my hands.
My arm collapses with exhaustion
as the soft clink of metal lands across the room.

why do you care.

so get this caring for someone or thing is honestly the story of my life. caring for friends easy to me but being a complete ass not ok . honestly get over yourself like cry me a river your useless to me if you plan on putting me down every time i talk to you. you are useless in my life a waste of air . and space

Typed up by Casidhe who jumped on here when I left the computer unattended... Yeah I'm not sure what she is getting at but okay then(: I love this girl to the death but freshman drama is what fueled her comment above I do believe.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

StarKid and My Night Last Night

"IF AWESOMENESS WAS ON THE RICHTER SCALE, JOEY WOULD BE AT THE TOP"
--Stephanie Force

Starkid...... There's really nothing more I can say without first sighing...

*stares into space and...*

*sighhhhhhhhhh*

(:

Okay. So now my last evening's tale.

............

First I have to give you some background... My very very totally awesome friend Laura got me caught in the firm fan hold that is Team StarKid. StarKid started with some totally awesome people at the University of Michigan and is now based in Chicago, Illinois. They have produced many shows, such as A Very Potter Musical, MAMAD (feel free to Google that one, it may come as a shock but don't brush it aside so fast... it's the most disturbing and heartwarming thing you will ever watch), A Very Potter Sequel, Starship, and soon to be released, Holy Musical B@tman! Recently they went on tour with The Space Tour and *sighhhhhhhhhhh*

The music kinda just fills me with this happiness... It bubbles inside of me and it radiates through every pore of my body like rays from the sun. PURE BLISS. That is what it is. It just....

*ah!*

I get all excited just typing it up. If you are reduced to only being able to listen to a couple of things, (I'm not even sure how I can do this) I'd say hit up from Starship, "Status Quo," "The Way I Do," and "Beauty." Those are absolutely beautiful. To get a little taste of A Very Potter Musical, listen to  "Not Alone" and the opening number, "Get Back to Hogwarts." I have to admit I'm not familiar with A Very Potter Sequel yet but I hear that "Those Voices" is really good. And from MAMD.... Well... I'm not sure if there's just one that rises above the rest (;

Anyways, now that you know of StarKid, my night started after I got home from rehearsal. I quickly kicked off my boots and bounded over the mess that is my room across to my CD player. Laura had burned me a copy of The Space Tour and of course I was uber excited to listen... So excited that I didn't bother to turn on the lights, because sometimes it's nice to just sit on the floor in the dark and just relax. So with delicate speed I took The Fray, Scars and Stories, out of the player and in went The Space Tour. Not more than five seconds later did the sweet sound of screaming fans arise when the announcer came on and went over the classic rules, StarKid style. Then things got a million times better.

Joey and Lauren and Dylan and all the other amazing ones came on and did their little opening skit... and then "I Wanna Be" from Starship began. Their voices are so amazing... It truly cheers me up; magic that only AWOLNATION has been able to accomplish. It's impossible to be sad when listening to their sound.

Now add in a dash of 20 questions from a guy that may or may not be asking me to prom and the result is a very happy and hopeful Stephanie. Let the mixture simmer for a little while, and then beat in all the family problems.

I paused the player when my sister and I went downstairs to try a piece of cake that she had made over the weekend, my sister and stepfather started yelling which caused my little brother to become frightened and so he started to cry which resulted in mum taking him out for a drive to get him away from the arguing. I fought the tears as I finished the cake, and when I attempted to just go for a short walk in the cool air my stepfather flipped saying that I couldn't leave the house and somehow I kept every comment that he had coming to him to myself and instead tried to explain to him how he should act as a parent towards my sister, not making the comments that he does. Naturally he didn't care what I was saying, so once he said "whatever" and made the comment that he was done talking, I just gave up. I stood tall as I walked up to my room, danced around the mess and sunk down to the floor. Through the tears I hit play to resume the magic. From there I got myself to a place where I wasn't going to let anything bother me (a lie to myself) as I let the wonderful melodies and the questions I was getting (about my favourite colour and drink and flower) rule over my mood.

So that was my night last night... and as I typed this up I suddenly realized that no matter what I say or do I will never be able to find the right words to make someone realize the severity of his or her actions... You may be able to see the need for change in others but unless they see it within themselves it will never be possible. As that may be something that is hard to grasp, just go to YouTube or iTunes or Google StarKid and let your self be whisked away aboard the ship on a sea of musical ingeniousness.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Yes, These are My Friends

Sometimes my friends make my life.

My friends DO make my life.

Especially the infamous Casey...

So Laura, of Grammatically Incorrect English Major, and I are chillin in the in the TV Studio in the nice and quite for the brief duration of this morning when our good friend Casey comes in. She starts going on about how the people in the lobby are trying to get her to to register for voting (ooh the joys of being 18, eh?) But I tried to explain to her that if she doesn't vote, she won't get... complaining rights (my family tends to use a different word instead of complaining) but her response:

"But then they'll pull me into jury duty!!!"

Her distress is incomparable in words. But then she starts to start humming.... Laura turns around and asks

"Are you humming CHRISTMAS songs?"

Casey's reply:

"Well yeah.. there's no good Easter songs! Sure, there's Peter Cotton Tail but I always confuse that with Johnny Appleseed... After my birthday I'm ready for Christmas again!"

Oh the good times when I get to talk to Casey... (:

As a Writer...

As a writer, sometimes it's hard to find all the right words. Countless times I've found myself laying in bed or sitting at the computer or at my desk and I'm just staring into space, rattling off synonyms and antonyms hoping that the words will work themselves out.

But sometimes there's writing about deeper subjects.

Sometimes... The value of a work is deeper than some people realize. They read something and don't understand what it really is about, or they don't want to face the truth of it. So as a writer, tweak a couple of words here and there, take out that sentence and add in a couple more and voila, the same story.

Except not quite.

As an example read my original short story World of White, and it's counterpart, World of White - A New Beginning . I see it as a Songs of Experience / Songs of Innocence kind of thing.

The difference is that the original passion and feeling is no longer there. The work takes on a whole new tone and outlook on life. As a writer, this could be good... but I see it as almost a dishonour done to the work. It was brilliant just the way it was, it spoke of something that gets to the very core of someone and it captures a hopelessness that people do end up feeling but never outright acknowledge. Granted, changing it may make people feel better in a sense, but I believe that it kind of butters it up, passes over how serious the subject matter is.

Now just to note, I wrote World of White last year after I had read a couple of books by author Ellen Hopkins (She's such an amazing poet and writer... Such good subject matter and composes it all beautifully), and I believe at that time I had also read Tweak by Nick Sheff and Go Ask Alice. It's not that I had spiraled down into this depressing state after reading such emotional works, it's that I was inspired. This is the first short story that I had done that I truly was proud of, and I wanted to show it off. But, given the subject matter and that I was a 17 year-old with a bunch of family problems I was afraid that people would take it the wrong way. I had shown it to a teacher for submission into the schools literary magizine, and she felt that it would give someone ideas if read the wrong way. No words of encouragement, and it seemed like she was ready to grab a hold of a SAP referral. I assured her that I was fine, that it was just a product of my imagination and inspiration. I figured that would happen, so no hard feelings. Then this year, the lit mag held a contest for short stories and poems. I really wanted someone that I look up to (beside, besides my best friends of course) to give me their feedback on it, so I changed a couple things to fit the topic that they wanted: "New Beginnings." I wasn't exactly thrilled with the new version but I was hoping that the shock value had lessened so that I would get something in return. I submitted it to a teacher that I trusted (not the one I had shown the original story to) and I told her "it's strictly a work of fiction." She knew where I was going with my comment as she laughed and said "So no SAP referrals then?" with a smile. That was a few months ago and no, I did not win the contest. Oh well, there's always other outlets and more important people to read my works(:

World of White - A New Beginning

I get off the bed, only to sink down to the cold, tiled white floor. The bright light from above reflects even brighter off the white walls and tiles. In attempt to block it out, I let my eyes fall shut. The blackness that surrounds me is comforting and peaceful, and it welcomes me with open arms. This scene of normalcy is quickly fleeting, for many colors invade. Blues, browns, grays, greens and purples swirl around, making me press even closer to the floor, trying fruitlessly to block it all out. Then the yellows, golds and oranges come in and mix as well. Soon the colours aren’t just random swirls and blobs, but the memories of last summer. There, I am smiling and looking truly happy, surrounded by friends and family. Trying real hard, I can almost hear the chirping of the birds and the laughter. But I cannot feel the warmth of the sun, or the love from those around me. I’m completely numb. From there, the greens, yellows, and oranges swirl and fade into darker browns, blues and purples. I see myself hidden in a corner. No one can find me there. In this darkness I am safe. Here it’s okay to be numb… to feel nothing. No one has to understand why I’m not capable of love, or why I can’t find real happiness. In the darkness I am safe. But this doesn’t last long. There he is. With every step he gets closer to me. With every step my body pulses with hate and anger, and my heart cries out in pain. But I don’t let it show, oh no. He’s right in front of me, and he’s trying to tell me that he cares, that everything will be okay. But I know it’s all a lie. It’s never gotten better, so why would it now? For the first time in a long time I smile as he watches me plunge into a sea of red.

*      *      *       *       *       *

As my eyes flutter open, this new blank canvas comes into view as I reorient myself with my surroundings. First I feel the cold tiles under me. Then slowly, I looked up at the blinding lights that illuminate the white brick walls. My thoughts overcome me… now that I’m free from him, will the darkness that too easily became my one and only friend fade away? I can’t help but wonder what colors will begin to paint this new world of white I now live in… will they be as bright as they once were? I suppose that as long as my heart is still beating, there will always be hope. I now have any color at my fingertips; it’s just up to me to decide which ones to paint into my new world of white.

World of White

I get off the bed, only to sink down to the cold, tiled white floor. The bright light from above reflects even brighter off the white walls and tiles. In attempt to block it out, I let my eyes fall shut. The blackness that surrounds me is comforting and peaceful, and it welcomed me with open arms. This scene of normalcy does not last long, for many colours invade. Blues, browns, grays, greens and purples swirl around, making me press even closer to the floor, trying fruitlessly to block it all out. Then the yellows, golds and oranges came in, and mix as well. Soon the colours aren’t just random swirls and blobs, but the memories of last summer. There, I am smiling and looking truly happy. I’m surrounded by friends and family. Trying real hard, I can almost hear the chirping of the birds and the laughter. But I cannot feel the warmth of the sun, or the love from those around me. I’m completely numb. From there, the greens, yellows, and oranges swirl and fade into ark browns, blues and purples. I see myself hidden in a corner. No one can find me there. In this darkness I am safe. Here it’s okay to be numb… to feel nothing. No one has to understand why I’m not capable of love, or why I can’t find real happiness. In the darkness I am safe. But this doesn’t last long. There he is. With every step he gets closer to me. With every step my body pulses with hate and anger, and my heart cries out in pain. But I don’t let it show, oh no. He’s right in front of me, and he’s trying to tell me that he cares, that everything will be okay. But I know it’s all a lie. It’s never gotten better, so why would it now? For the first time in a long time I smile as he watches me plunge into a sea of red.

*          *       *      *          *

As my eyes flutter open, I reorient myself with my surroundings. First I feel the cold tiles under me. Then I look up at the blinding lights that illuminate the white brick walls. Feeling a hint of pain, my eyes gaze upon my bandaged left wrist and with a twisted smile, I watch as a splash of red seeps into my new world of white.

Monday, March 19, 2012

A Wrong Decision

Laying in bed
I wonder if he'll ever come home.
Earlier that morning,
With a kiss good-bye he was out the door,
"Lots to do at the office" was his excuse.
But how can so much work pile up,
if he's been leaving home so early
          for the past two weeks?
And then it's the call at about six.
"Still lots to do,
I'll be eating dinner here.
Don't stay up for me.
I love you."
At first I thought it was dedication.
A lawyer's commitment,
to the law.
to the firm..
to the client...
........
But now,
when I go to say "I love you" in return,
it's barley an audible whisper.
He knows I know.
His commitment to the client is more than his commitment to me.
At about 2 a.m. I hear the garage door.
I pretend to be asleep as he leans over me
and kisses the top of my forehead.
When the light to the bathroom goes on,
I wipe the tear from my eye.
Her perfume still lingers.
It causes me to think,
to question.
I question our life,
and my trust in him.
I question every kiss,
every embrace.
I question yesterday,
and if there's even a tomorrow.
Night is prisoner to my sorrows.
It has no choice but to observe his wrongdoings,
and my heartbreak.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Sleepless Words

I'm restless
as I lay here in my bed.
Only hours ago I crashed,
all the energy drained out of my body.
Waking up in the middle of the night,
has given my mind the power to think the things
I didn't have energy for before.
In an attempt to calm
my ever whirling mind
I open up a window.
A cool calming breeze
rolls over my face.
It carries with it the light scent of rain,
the grass, the night.
Like Whitman,
I try to grasp a hold of the sensation,
to keep it with me.
But all it seems to do is
provoke words of the poetic type.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Not a Night of Patience

What's worse? One broken heart, or one broken heart over two lost chances?

It's just one of those nights when something from the past comes up and tears off the bandages I had around my heart... There are all the little things remind me of how things used to be, and the fact that I still haven't moved on from all the shoulda-coulda-wouldas. I honestly don't know what else to say, that wouldn't be repeating myself from the year that's past. Names that have gone unheard for so long are brought up again by the places I had been with him, or by where he used to live. With him, we had something that could have been wonderful. And with he, we had a friendship that I would trade the world to get back. I can't see typing more without distinguishing the two apart from one another, but I can't justify writing more.

I'm not even sure why I started to type this in the first place...

........................................

My thoughts are all muddled up....

...................................................

I'm trying to move on but my heart is grasping at straws that are stuck in the past. I'm so close to summer, to college, that I just need to be patient to get a fresh start. To get away from all the familiar places and the familiar pain. Meet some new people, maybe fall in love again. To feel like I belong to something based upon who I really am, not what people think I am.

.............................

Patience is a virtue, but it's not my middle name.

A Wrong Decision - Word Magnets

So, I did this late Thursday night at my aunt's house, and I want to see if you can figure out what my intent behind it was(: Enjoy!


Friday, March 16, 2012

Oh, Happy, Happy Week!

It's Friday... the last day before the weekend. It's weird... This week I've actually been in a really good mood and it's very unusual for me. I made the point to a friend that I can't remember going so long without crying or feeling the need to rip my hair out. And I'm loving not feeling the need to do anything rash. I think I can attribute my wonderful mood to a couple of things:

*THE WEATHER!! ahhhh how amazing!! (I'm noticing that I use that word a lot but there's no other way to say it) But it's being able to walk out of the house without a coat, to be able to wear a skirt or a dress and my sandals without my mother having a fit. It's being able to sleep with my windows open (although it does get a wee bit chilly) and waking up to the birds and the fresh air. It's being able to listen to the pure sound of the rain and knowing that the time for thunderstorms are upon us now. I can't stand to be shut in my house, so if there's anything to boost the happy meter, it's the weather.

*BLOGGERR!(: I'm starting to realize that there's more to the world and definitly more to Blogger than meets the eye. Each day brings the chance to read something new or to write something new and to interact with new people too... There's so many lovely folks out there that are sweet and kind hearted and have nothing but nice things to say. I used to think that Blogger would just be a place to keep my writing so I wouldn't loose it through the years, but now I see it as a place where I can get feedback as well. To whomever invented Blogger, I'm pretty sure I love you<3

*PSSAs. The Pensylvania State Student Assessments (I think thats what it stands for?) As a senior, I don't have to take them!! Wahoo! They weren't fun last year, but now this year's juniors have to take them. But what does that do for me? It allows me a good hour and 20 minutes in the morning to catch up on homework and blog. Then I go to AP English and then Calc, and from there I have the usual 35 minutes for lunch (which I tend to spend in the library) and then another... oh.... 3 hours to do nothing but BLOG! This is because on special days (and the PSSAs are VERY special) the bus schedual doesn't line up with the HS schedual and I leave the building to intern with preschool aged kids who are hard of hearing third period and then I'm a 2nd grade teacher's helper for 4th. Long story made short, I get atleast 4 hours to do nothing but blog, catch up on TV shows online, blog, help in the library, and oh yeah... blog(:

*Going down to the preschool, only on Mondays and Fridays... I love working with kids, but sometimes it gets to be a lot on a day to day basis.. So the three day break from them is kinda nice because I have a renewed amount of patience and I do love each and every one of them so I do miss them, no matter how much they may drive me crazy<3

*Friday Flex. Working in the library with new rules.. now there is absolutely no talking and no shinanagins to put up with from any of the 60 some-odd kids that are in here, most of them freshmen. Typing this now is lovely, it's a wonderful way to end the week.

So yes, nothing big or epiphany like here, I should have warned you sooner but I was just so excited to have something to type about. Now it's the weekend where I don't really have the ability to go on the computer but there will be more from me on Monday!(:

Thursday, March 15, 2012

It's that Time of Year Again...

Girls swimming in yards of fabric
just trying to find the right amount in the right colour
while growing three to five inches in only seconds.
Then the day of,
hair gets pulled and pinned,
twisted and straightened.
Nails turn bright colours as well.

Now the boys,
they don't have much to worry about...
With exception to being colour blind and forgetting the flowers.

But first they have to be creative,
if they're not going to go at it alone.
So what's it going to be?
Post-its on a car?
A banner on the wall?
How about a coded note?

All it takes is four little letters,
and a measly question mark.
Such a little thing that would mean the world to one girl.

It's that time of year again....


If I was a Cat...

... I'd be dead and buried twenty times over because of my curiosity. But my persistence will always bring me back! ^.^

The Stories of the Watchers (Guest Book)

Hello all! I've noticed some new faces under my "People Who Look Out For Me" (members) section and I was just wondering how you stumbled upon my quaint word filled abode... If you could please leave a footprint (comment) below I'd really love to read about it. Oh! And just to let you know I love stories so please don't feel the need to be short and to the point if you don't want to be.

UPDATED 6/1/2012

I've been expanding my blog and meeting and linking to a lot of other blogs and the brains behind them, so if you could also leave behind link to your blog I'd certainly love to check it out! And feel free to voice all comments and/or suggestions from the peanut gallery, or shoot me an e-mail if you feel so inclined. Cheers!

UPDATED 6/25/2013

It's been about a year since I last looked at what this page says, and I can't bring myself to erase what I've written before. I almost feel like the younger me would be offended. But the message still stands, please comment below where you're from and anything you'd like me to know. I appreciate anything and everything you have to offer. (It's kind of like getting fan mail).

A Grimm Epiphany

There's a kind of special thing that comes along when you know another language...
I was catching up on Grimm yesterday and in one shot it shows Nick (the main character) looking through all the books that was left to him in the trailer. He finally picks up one and the spine has the title "Tier Gift". My brain first was like... "wtf is a Tier and what kind of gifts would it have and how is that possibly going to help him with a spider creature thing...?"
Then it hit me.
"ooooooo... Das Buch, Tier Gift, ist eine Deutsch Buch. In English, Tier ist Aminal und Gift ist Poision." 'twas a big DUH STEPH moment. But yeah, in German, the word "Tier" is "aminal" (yes I say that like a 3 year old but because of my background I'm still a little kid at heart and I get away with it) and "Gift" is "poision."
See, you've now learned something new! And beyond that you can apply it to possibly save your life, if a German offers you a gift, it is okay to take a little extra caution!
P.S. I <3 Germany this is nothing against anyone or anything, just some words of "wisdom" :)

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Sad, Sad Follow-up

It's been a month and a day since the world lost another amazing person... On February 13, 2012 a dear friend and classmate of mine passed away in a car accident as he was traveling to school. *Click here for the story of that day.*  Waking up to a new day was like hoping to wake up from a nightmare, as I wrote about *here.* The week of the accident was the longest week of my life, which I thought would be hard to do compared to the week I had to write my Sociology and Psychology paper (sorry, no story on that one). Between memories coming back of missed opportunities and shoulda-coulda-woulda moments, making sure that my best friend was holding it together and everything else (*this is what one night was like for me*) it was a lot to deal with.
But now that it's been a month, things are back to normal as much as they possibly could be. We all still miss him terribly, and now I feel as if I can take off the necklace that I've worn since the day of the crash (minus a brief couple hours when I got my senior pictures done last Friday). The necklace has always meant something special to me, but now I appreciate it more. The front says "Make every moment count" and the other side "You only live once and if you do it right once is enough." Now that I have a bracelet that says, "TOM 2-13-12" and on the other side "FOREVER HIKING IN HEAVEN," I feel that as long as I'm wearing one or the other I'll always have a piece of him with me. I know other people are still hurting, for Tom meant something more to them in different ways, but in my case... I know that he's safe and forever hiking in heaven. I can only hope that other people start to get closure because life still moves on, even though it's not fair and it seems wrong.
I just wanted to put my thoughts out there, because I hadn't yesterday and I felt that I needed to keep Tom's memory alive here... As I say at the top of my page, "enjoy these thoughts and remember that even when your life is at it's end, the words you leave behind will still live on." Tom has left so much behind, and although he wasn't able to do more, he definitely lived his life right. <3 <3

Song of Myself

1

Everywhere is a song.
From the cars rushing along the highway,
To the rain’s soothing melody.

My song plays to the same beat…
And then some.
It is here that I celebrate myself,
And there is no better way to say that.

All the words are written,
While some of them are found.

Everywhere is a song.
My song is composed of those songs,
And it is here I play tribute.

2

What would you give,
To live your life on the edge?
To keep between the lines of fear and blame,
Without giving up everything this amazing life has to offer?

I've created the sound of madness,
Wrote the book on pain,
Somehow I’m still here to explain.
How the first part of moving on with the rest of your life,
Starts with goodbye.

What would you give,
To lay here with a billion stars all around?
To get away from all the technology and mundane things,
And back to the simple things in life that we seem to forget about.

I love to try everything,
But I stay away from the bad stuff that I’ve seen others fail at.
Why would I want to harm this body,
That I’ve been so lucky to receive?
I love every part of me.
From my fingers to the tip of my toes,
To every scar and scrape.
Don’t get me wrong.
I’ll live my life on the edge,
But sometimes it’s lovely to have a ball pit waiting to catch you.

Throughout my life I’ve moved on,
Leaving relationships that were never meant to be.
In doing so,
I've found that goodbye
It is the only form of closure that one can really get anymore.

I’d give my last breath,
To just take a night to just throw everything to the wayside.
It’s amazing to see what the world will give you in return,
When you just take a moment to step back to enjoy the simple things
Like the stars, the moon,
The blackness that surrounds them,
And how much brighter the light then seems.

3

Everything has a song.
The wind plays the trees,
And the moon plays the sea.
A child whistles into a bubble,
And an elder whispers a quiet tale.

My life has a song,
And with it I celebrate myself.
With every breath,
I also sing with myself.

This is my song,
And it will play even when I’m gone.
It will continue to play in the hearts of others,
And it will play through the words on each and every page.
It will live on.

"Homework oh, Homework...

...I hate you, you stink!"
    ~Shel Silverstein

As I sit here... I find Blogger to be the new Facebook. It's keeping me preoccupied from writing a "Song of Myself" style poem for first period and in the words of Laura:
"Stephie! Get  your homework done! The blog will be here after first period!"
hahaha <3
I shall post the poem when I actually get it written...

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Late Night Thoughts on Thoughts

You know what has always amazed me?
The ability to think....
All people do it, and some are better at it than others (I know you're thinking of somone[s] in particular now hehe) But more so than the ability (or lack-there-of) to think is the ability for the mind to whirl from one thought to the next. I find myself very often being told to do something when I'm on the phone with my mother and I tell her I'll do it when I hang up, but the moment I get off the phone I've totally forgotten about it and it's not untill I hear the grage door announcing my mum's arrival that my memory turns on and I go "Oh (insert explitive of your choice here)!" This loverly string of thoughts come to me as I try to fall asleep (it's now 11pm) and I've got a million things on my mind. (It may be only a few subjects, but I have very detailed thoughts...) From trying to remember to switch purses and get a bag packed together for rock climbing after theatre rehearsal and a water bottle and a lunch and what I'm wearing just for the school day and extra shoes (for climbing) and of course making sure my head's still attached (that's the most important thing right?) and making sure my headphones get into my bag so I can watch the Voice during my 3 hours of free time (thank you PSSAs!!) and how much I love listening to the Fray right now and how I wish I could turn off my brain so I could sleep because to accomplish all this I have to actually get up at my alarm... Yeah I think that's a prety good example of the ramblings of my mind right there. How amazing is it that the mind can create thoughts that compell us to worry about all the little details and to make us make sure we have the important things and that it has us feel reassured because we have everything in a nice little rambling blogger post so we hopefully won't forget anything... (I'm thinking the us, as in people in general, changed to we, as in Me, Myself and I. Another wonderful example of thoughts!)
Now that it's 11:11 I'm wishing I can remember everything I need or want for tomorrow... *crosses fingers and toes for extra luck* Well now that I've rattled on long enough on what is just running through my head, I'm wondering if this post actually makes any sense or is what I had originally intended it to be... Ha! I'll read through it and then maybe I'll be able to get a wink or two of sleeeeeppp! (Hmmmm... Thought just occured to me... I had a frozen coffee [sooo yummyyy] AND lettuce AND chocolate cake today.... Psh that stuff doesn't make me hyper or anything (; tehehe)
*     *     *     *     *
Just read through this, and bless whoever acutally sits down and has the patience to get through all of this nonsense<3

Just a note as I post this now, I remembered everything hehe ^.^

Painting with My Words

Looking out the window,
I wish I was a painter.
The clouds as fluffy as cotton candy...
I wish that I could capture that.
I wish I had the ability to take a brush,
gently dip it into the paint,
and ever so gently touch it to the page to create what I see.
To mix the colours together
to show the range of the white to the gray that is hiding underneath.
I wish I could create the effect of a thunderstorm growing inside each cloud,
to show each rain drop that within in hours,
will fall down to the ground.
The blue of the background,
so deep and radiant...
If only I could show the depth that looking up into the sky shows,
the fact that there's an outer space that ever so slightly adds to the mixture.
I wish that I was a painter.
Maybe instead I'll just paint with my words.

Am I Amazing?

Okay... so one of the things I don't like to do is sell myself... And by that I mean talk about myself just to make people like me. But for a contest (that I could win a much needed $20,000 for college) I need to sum up in 1,000 characters (including spaces) as to how I am pretty amazing. I need opinions if what I have is good enough, or if I should elaborate on just one thing, but I think my volunteering as a whole is a good topic. Here's my essay and please, tell me what you think!!

I honestly think I spend more time volunteering than sleeping. I have been a Girl Scout for 13 years and I have worked with younger girls at camp and at programs that I have helped to create and run. I also have been an active member at my church and in my Youth Group for 6 years, 2 of which I was Vice-President and this year I’m currently President. The Youth Group helps with a lot of the church’s events which I gladly participate in frequently. Through out my high school career, I have been an active member of Key Club and this year I was Vice-President. A lot of our activities reach out and give back to the community. I also volunteer in the school library doing all jobs that need doing, from working the front desk to shelving books. But my proudest accomplishment has been raising awareness of teen dating abuse. For the past 2 years I have written to the local papers, put together a video, and put up posters among other things to raise awareness throughout my school and community.

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Living Like Cinderella

Awhile back, I was out to eat with some of my extended family -minus my mother and stepfather- at the fruited insect (Apple Bee's). My cousins are younger, and one happened to spill her milk. As I took it upon myself to clean it up, my uncle commented with a laugh:

"Most girls just want to be a princess, they skip being Cinderella."

I laughed with him and the first thing that came to mind as a reply:

"Oh, I'm used to it... I've been through the whole wicked step-mother wicked step sibilings thing..."

Because my aunt and uncle and grandparents knew what I was getting at, they all joined in with the laughter. But my answer wasn't meant to be a smart-ass reply. It had been something that I had thought about before, and it's what has been keeping me thinking about the lovely Cinderella... How much she had to put up with just to get one special night by chance to then go back to her terrible stepmother and stepsisters and continue life as it was... But lucky for Cinderella, she got the Prince to search the kingdom just to find her.

....

Why can't that happen to me?

I once had a stepmother, and stepsister and a stepbrother too, who stole away my father's affection. I've been reduced to living at the loneliest part of his abode, but I at least had my mother's to return to... That doesn't change much tho. Anyways, I used to clean my dad's house because my stepmother told me to, but for a couple years now she's out of the picture. These days, I clean to earn a little money. I still live with my mother and so I clean just keep the house and my room clean. I've also dealt with being ordered around, dealing with the orders of  "do-this," "do-that," and exclamations of "don't go there," and, "you can't possibly be expecting to be allowed to do that" from both sides of my parental situation.

....

I guess I've had some okay parallels too, like having a few friends that would do anything for me like GusGus and the other mices. And in a way I have had my own Fairy Godmother, but she's never around anymore. The point is, when I look at my life, and compare it to Cinderella, I see my life as a modern twist on hers. I honestly believe she may have had a better life than I do, but perhaps I just need to bind up my broken heart and be patient and wait for my Prince Charming to come. I think I just need to believe that a Happily Ever After is going to come at some point, and that the good things in life can't be rushed and found around every corner. If there's anything to be learned from Cinderella, it's to have an upbeat attitude and to dream. And to dream I shall...

Falling Asleep with a Smile

I miss those nights where seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours as I fought sleep waiting for his reply... but waking up to text messages with wishes of "good night" and "sweet dreams" always made it worth it. To know that he was the last thing on my mind and that I could be the first on his is special... I love having the reason to start the day off with a "good morning" to him, just in order to spend more time getting to know who he really is. And being able to read through all the messages from just hours ago proves that everything said wasn't just a dream... Although it may have seemed that way.
Oh, what I wouldn't do to be able to fall asleep with a smile on my face....

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

101

One hundred.
One hundred posts, all full with words.
That's a lot of words.
Every word has a purpose.
They all go together to make sentences,
to make ideas and thoughts real.
Conveying feelings and pictures,
for others to draw upon within their own mind.
There are so many more words out there,
so many things to become inspired by.
There was one hundred.
Soon to be one hundred and one.
What will be one hundred and two?

Monday, March 05, 2012

The Spring Countdown

Again in Calc today I found myself staring out the window... There's not much sky to be seen, but the way the sun lights up the courtyard is always gorgeous. I always try not to loose myself in my thoughts as my teacher goes over problems for the other kids, but sometimes it's hard to resist the temptation... It was seeming like today was one of those days when I caught my teacher exclaiming that it was going to reach 60s this week... I turned my attention to inside the room as a smile grew in place of my once stoic expression. That's when my mind whirled across all the outfits I could make in the coming days... and my sandals! I can raise them from their grave in the back of my closet and give them life once again!
HOORAYYY!!
:D
And I can go out into the garden, and pull all the weeds that decided rooting amongst the blueberry bushes and henry sweet spires would be a good idea... Oh to have the feeling of dirt under my fingernails again, it's something that gives a new hope to a world that was so cold and frozen. Spring in in sight, 16 days until it officially gets here and It will never be a day to soon!

Thursday, March 01, 2012

What a Caring Puppy

I'm always the one
trying to care for my "friends."
They could always count on me.
But all of a sudden
I'm no longer included
And now I see it's not worth it.
All the time and energy.
All the stress.
Trying to be strong when I have no one to lean on.
I can't do it anymore.
I used to think that being "best friends" meant the world,
but it's just an empty promise.
Something to be thrown away without even a moment's notice.
It was up to me to figure out that I had been forgotten,
like a puppy left behind when the family moves away.

No Worries

Don't worry about
where I am, what I'm doing...
I'm not your burden.

Careful Wishing

A star. An eyelash.
Be careful what you wish for,
you just might get it.

Under the Bed (Forgotten)

Stuck beneath the bed,
no better than a lost sock,
I've been forgotten.