Tuesday, March 20, 2012

World of White

I get off the bed, only to sink down to the cold, tiled white floor. The bright light from above reflects even brighter off the white walls and tiles. In attempt to block it out, I let my eyes fall shut. The blackness that surrounds me is comforting and peaceful, and it welcomed me with open arms. This scene of normalcy does not last long, for many colours invade. Blues, browns, grays, greens and purples swirl around, making me press even closer to the floor, trying fruitlessly to block it all out. Then the yellows, golds and oranges came in, and mix as well. Soon the colours aren’t just random swirls and blobs, but the memories of last summer. There, I am smiling and looking truly happy. I’m surrounded by friends and family. Trying real hard, I can almost hear the chirping of the birds and the laughter. But I cannot feel the warmth of the sun, or the love from those around me. I’m completely numb. From there, the greens, yellows, and oranges swirl and fade into ark browns, blues and purples. I see myself hidden in a corner. No one can find me there. In this darkness I am safe. Here it’s okay to be numb… to feel nothing. No one has to understand why I’m not capable of love, or why I can’t find real happiness. In the darkness I am safe. But this doesn’t last long. There he is. With every step he gets closer to me. With every step my body pulses with hate and anger, and my heart cries out in pain. But I don’t let it show, oh no. He’s right in front of me, and he’s trying to tell me that he cares, that everything will be okay. But I know it’s all a lie. It’s never gotten better, so why would it now? For the first time in a long time I smile as he watches me plunge into a sea of red.

*          *       *      *          *

As my eyes flutter open, I reorient myself with my surroundings. First I feel the cold tiles under me. Then I look up at the blinding lights that illuminate the white brick walls. Feeling a hint of pain, my eyes gaze upon my bandaged left wrist and with a twisted smile, I watch as a splash of red seeps into my new world of white.

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