Okay... So this is a desperate call for help. I don't know what to do anymore, and so I'm hoping you guys who are totally outside all of my problems can maybe offer me some words of advice... cause we're like a little family here right? Maybe I'm crazy... No... I'm definitly crazy. But here's everything that I'm facing right now:
Where to start? I think I'll try to lump it all together in bold points, skip ahead if you find something you'd rather not read, I take no offense. But at this point I'm using names just to make it easier to follow. Only maybe two people reading this will be know who I'm talking about, and even then they already know the story. So no harm done in my book. Anyways, here goes nothing:
Friends. Or not friends. I haven't the damndest clue anymore. Earlier in the year, my "best friend" Alyx decided she wanted nothing to do with me anymore. But she didn't tell me this. I started picking up on it when she would TURN HER BACK ON ME during German class
to talk to her childhood BFF. It had become the 3 of us that were the really close friends at one point, but when push comes to shove, it's always Alyx and Casey. Noone can come between them, no matter how much Alyx slams Casey with insults. It's all part of their relationship, their banter I suppose. And whenever I hear it and can get a word in edge wise, I defend Casey... I can't help it! *sigh* Sorry I'm getting off topic. Anyways, the ice had been starting to crack for awhile then, and the whole thing fell to shit when Kelsey came up before lunch to me ALMOST IN TEARS because of the crap Alyx would say about me in their AP Bio class. From there, rooming for Boston went all topsy turvey and Alyx and I haven't really talked since.
Thus leads me to my need for advice, Part 1: In the moring, I go to the TV Studio to help with the morning announcements. Earlier in the year I had brought Alyx, Cazey, and Laura with me and my interest to help be a part of it and now we're now basically the ones that run the whole shin-dig. But now
that Alyx decided it was time for us to "grow apart", she says nothing to me, and with Casey it's "Alyx is the leader" so she says nothing to me either. And Laura? She'll do anything to stay on Alyx and Casey's good side. I have nothing against her, she's a good friend of mine and I love her to death, but given the choice of Alyx and Casey over me, she'll pick the other 2. I really can't take it any more... The TV studio is one of my favourite things in the morning, I love being part of it. But the company is less than stellar, all I really have is me, myself and I. It would be easier if I could at least get a "hi" or "goodmorning" when I walk in, and a small opening into any discussion they have, but no. I'm shut out.
Prom. May I take a moment to just yell at the top of my lungs? *gets up, walks away from the computer*
*sigh*comes back and proceeds to type* well I feel a little better, I suppose. I'm so tired of Prom! The process has been going on for over a month now, starting with trying to find a dress. And to be completely honest, I'm poor. I clean a family friends house and I babysit. I don't have a regular job at a store or resturant, just a couple hrs after school to try to get enough money to keep me from becoming a bigger burden on my mum. With that being said, I don't have houndreds of dollars to spend on a dress... I don't have the luxery to find my dream dress, one that I'm happy and proud to wear. It doesn't have to be designer, I couldn't care less who made it. I just want to be happy and feel pretty in it. I want to be comfertable. But I don't have that ability. Instead I'm restrained by the saying "beggars can't be choosers". And it's kinda always been that way... Anyways, on top of that there's finding a date. Last year Laura and I were part of an all girls table and let me tell you it was A LOT of fun, no drama, no crap to worry about. but this year I really
thought I was going to get asked, the guy I thought was going to do it had given me the third degree about
if I was going to prom or not and my favourite flower and colour and just odd things. But instead I was told last night that he's not going to Prom, I was the first one he told cause he thought I should be the first to know. He can't deal with seeing his cousin and his ex together (that's another whole problem that just doesn't need to be explained... a perfect example of high school love triangle, enough said.) when I read the message I swear I heard the sound of a big oak door slam shut... And to add to all the money fun tickets were also sold yesterday, $50 a pop which isn't too bad (my freshman year, I didn't go but the were $90 a piece, and last year they were $45). But when you add it all up, that's a lot of money I really don't have. And Laura's decided to skip out to hang with (guess whos) Alyx and Casey. Sure I have a few other people to sit with, but I just don't want to deal with it any more. I'm too tired.
Boys. Just in general. I thought AJ (The guy I thought'd ask me to Prom) and I had something that
might have been starting back up (again long story) but nope no suck luck. I passed that oppurtunity up last summer. That's all you need to know bout that story for now. Maybe I'll write up a better story later. But that's debatable. Regardless, and here's where I'm going to end up contradicting myself 15 different ways, I just want to have fun. I want to be able to go out, see a movie or go mini-golfing and not have to worry about anything. I want a relationship, a connection with someone, but if they're not looking for committment I won't fight them on it, it's almost time to leve for college anyways... So I just want fun! I'd rather have guys as friends than girls anyways, it's much less drama... Untill they seem like the perfect one for a relationship but I've gone down that road once, I don't plan on doing it again unless I KNOW the feeling's mutual. I'm going crazy sitting here at
home, when I want to be out and about. Or rather, sitting at home alone. I'm totally fine with relaxing and watching a movie on the couch, or even better let's push the coffee table aside and throw pillows and blankets on the floor. With an arm around me, if we're just friends or something more, I couldn't be happier.
So, I think that's all the turmoil I'm facing that I just don't know what to do with anymore. None of my other friends can really give me advice or help me out, and when I need to talk about it, they're sick of hearing me repeat the same old same old. I've learned that answers can be found in unexpected places, and I'm always up for trying something new. I apologize if you read this hoping to find something interestinng and all you're left with is wasted time and thoughts of "thank God I'm not a girl" or "I so do NOT miss high school". But seriously any words would be greatly aprreciated, more than you will ever know. Thank you all <3