I'm sitting here facing the screen...
and I don't know what to write anymore.
I feel as if any urge to type and put my thoughts definitively down are gone.
And it kind of makes me sad.
I do want to write... I really do! I just don't know what to write or how I want to say it... my mind is full of all sorts of different things that are whirling around and clinging on to one another for dear life... but I can't seem to keep them in place long enough to make it make sense.
And to top it all off... There's this pain, inside my chest.
I'm sure it's something to worry about, because when I swallow, once it hits the lower end of that tube that connects my mouth to my stomach, it gets worse.
I feel like there's this death grip on my heart...
That is, if it's even my heart.
When I swallow it puts pressure on the left side, and the right side feels fine.
Maybe I just scratched it when I ate popcorn on Sunday, and eating irritates it.
I would take this way more seriously if BOSTON wasn't less than a day away.
I am so freaking close to the reality I've been waiting for, and then my body decides to go and do something weird to make things complicated.
I refuse to let anything stop me getting to Boston... And I'll be dammed if I'm denied the ability to combine my world of PA with that of my childhood in NH.
All I have to do is eat Cheerios, three at a time and take tiny sips of water. That's what causes the least amount of pain in me.
After that, when I get back on Friday.... I'll go to the doctor, and see what's up.
I know.... I probably sound INCREDIBLY stupid for playing games and tempting fate and for having the mentality of "it could never happen to ME!" but I need to make Boston work. I need to go up there and to live my life and to see what could have happened if things were different. I need to have that satisfaction of my friends meeting each other, that ability to put two worlds together.
I need my friends from PA to see where I came from.
How I got my start.
Who I trusted first.
I need my friends from NH to see who has helped me become who I am today.
Who's been there for me.
Who I'll never let go.
I need to be able to sit down, and in one glance, see the people that mean the most to me.
Boston is going to do that for me.
AND I CAN'T MISS IT!
I'm taking it easy.. trying to get rest and not stress out. I'm taking a single ibuprofen to be on the safe side, because I really shouldn't play with fire. And I'm often turning my thoughts inside of me... Closing my eyes and feeling for that pain, making sure it hasn't gotten worse. If it has, I promise to not keep it to myself and to get help as quickly as possible.
So going from a post about nothing, I turned it to this pain that at this point has kind of subsided by my sitting here. And please please please don't worry about me... I'll be fine(: