Thursday, May 31, 2012

Forever Lost In the Woods

Just turn around
and walk away,
there's nothing left to do or say.
Together we stood so strong,
we overcame everything
short of an atomic bomb.
We've traveled down our individual paths
but we've always found a way to share a few more laughs.
The woods can be a scary place
so our time together was never a waste.
Maybe there'll be better times down the road,
but as of now only heartache and tears can be sowed.
We said we'd be best friends 'til the end
but there are some things not even God can mend.
So turn around
and walk away,
'cause there's nothing left to do or say.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Polka-dots

As the rain comes down
it gets caught upon the glass
dotting it with grace

An Hourglass Vacation

Time away goes fast
without a chance to look back
the sand keeps falling

Bubbles

For the bubble mistress sat upon a cookie monster throne and without a single breath the sky was filled with bubbles, as was the ground like early morning dew.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

TIME?!?

WHAT?!?

What the hell is this?!?

Finally I have time to blog?!?

*gasp!*

It's been quite awhile, I know, but I'm back with A LOT to tell you.

Not ALOT, the infamous amazing character created by the mind behind Hyperbole and a Half :P

















So where or where to begin? (I think I ask myself that question quite frequently actually.) But I'll backpedal to Saturday. I got to bed at one and was up for seven in the morning, for hiking which was a grand ole time, and I'll be sure to post pictures if I find time tomorrow. And then prom was fun. There it is, I fully admit that I had fun at prom. I still didn't really want to go, but once I got there, and food was in front of me I was a very happy girl. They had Pasta with Vodka Sauce and Chicken Marsala (hold the 'shrooms please!) and Green Beans.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm I'm making myself hungry haha But then to have time just to dance with my friends and no boy drama; it was fabulous! (I'll be sure to post pictures from then too, I just need to put the pics on the computer at some point.)

Then Sunday came along, and after getting to bed at one once again, I was up at seven and got ready to go to my sister's confirmation. After having the confirmation breakfast with the other kids and their members and their families, then the service, and then lunch with just my family, I went with my best friend to see the Raven. IT. WAS. TOTALLY. WICKED!!! The night ended with my stepdad making really good home made spaghetti sauce which is comparable to nothing else.

Since then, I still haven't gotten much sleep. I don't know how I'm not curled up under the circulation desk here in the library with my head on my bag. But in other news, Senior Olympics is tomorrow and I don't have much home for my team, The No Namers.... ... ... Legitly, we don't have a name. The captains are slackin' in team spirit and ambition  :P regardless, it'll be fun. So that's some of what's new, I'll try to write more tomorrow! Hope everyone's well and I'll be sure to check up on your blogs as soon as I can! <3

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Becoming Content

If I had a prayer for the world.... It wouldn't be for world peace. To ask for world peace is asking for a lot... There's so much that people fight over and lust for and think they need that to wish for peace right off the bad just won't happen. I believe there's something bigger out there that has to come first. People have to become content with what they have. They have to realize the world isn't perfect and life will never be fair. But if you face the good with the bad, realize that life could be worse, and enjoy the little things in life... One may find peace of mind. That is what being content entails, the ability to let go the impossible, finding happiness, and gaining a peace of mind. Only then, as each individual reaches peace in mind can we all come together as the world in peace.

Friday, May 18, 2012

*Sigh*

It's just one of those days... I'm here in body, but so very far away in mind. Every time someone asks me if I'm excited for Prom.. I almost cry. Legitly (<-- That's a word in my world) tears come to my eyes and my typical reply is "I can't wait for it to be over." I don't want to go, I don't want to go through getting ready... I couldn't care less that I have to do my nails myself or that the dress isn't anything that I ever really wanted... I am excited to do my hair because my aunt is coming over to help but it's that I'm just so tired. And I think that's part of my problem. I get, like, seven to eight hours of sleep every night. I don't see why I wake up and I'm so tired. Normally it doesn't bother me but today I just don't have the energy to put up with people and deal with everything that needs to be done for Prom. My day tomorrow will go like this: from 8:30 AM till 2:00PM I will be lost in the woods, hiking the trails of Ricketts Glen. Then I'll be pulled from the ever so comfortable world of the peaceful forest and thrown into the pandemonium of putting of a fa├žade of makeup and excitement and drama.... and on the inside I'll be wishing I was home curled up in bed with a movie on and my sick puppy next to me. *sigh* Perhaps I should actually eat my sandwich now...

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Abandoned

His empty whispers
travel through the gentle grass;
his baby left there.

Friday, May 11, 2012

To Get A Phone, Or Not to Go Out On My Own... That Is the Question

Alrighty all... So here's the deal. I've gotten myself into a little bit of trouble (The basic story: after being told I couldn't wash my clothes at 9:00pm the night before, I threw them in at 3:00 when I couldn't sleep) in which has ended me up without a phone for a mighty long time. But instead of making issues worse and trying to get it back before July 7th, I am looking for a job to pay for my own phone plan. With being a new college student soon, I realize it may not be worth it but I would rather be able to pay for it myself than be at the mercy of my mother and step-father. Upon looking, I think I would go with the HTC Rhyme. The phone would be free with a 2-yr contract, and I think the breakdown of prices would be $39.99 for 450 minutes, $20.00 for messaging, and $30.00 for 2 GB of data... That's a whopping $89.99 a month! Is it really worth me going out on my own and getting myself to a point where I can start to stand on my own two feet? Would the HTC Rhyme even be a good choice for a new phone? The sentimental side of me hates to get rid of my LG Cosmos, because I only got it back in December (it was the free upgrade). *sigh* Words of wisdom and recommendations would greatly be appreciated!

Temptation

Temptation.
It's that devil on you back.
It's the whispers in your head.
It's loosing that little control you once had.
Temptation.
When cold meets warm
and scrapes against the back beat of all that lives.
Temptation.
You know you shouldn't do it,
but you know it'll make you feel better..
If only for a moment.
Maybe a moment is all you need,
to gather your wits,
and fight
Temptation.
The being that makes us all stronger
by forcing us down to our knees,
begging for mercy.
Temptation.
When flesh yearns for steel,
it's the power to just allow the cool touch soothe the skin
and not leave behind the scars of regret.
Temptation.
It only tempts.
It tries to start a war,
an internal conflict that splits a person in half.
You have to be stronger than
Temptation.
It's in all of us.
We face it everyday.
But remember,
you don't have to be strong on your own.
We all fight
Temptation.

Sunday, May 06, 2012

The Marriage Interview

Upon being given the assignment to interview a couple on their opinions as to what makes their marriage successful, I had first thought to look to my employer. A family friend, whose home is full of laughter and lighthearted banter, had appeared to me as the best person to talk to. But as the deadline approached and I didn't have time to meet with her and her husband, I turned to a couple that might be able to give me a deeper insight. Married for 43 years, my grandparents had much to say.
I approached my grandmother first with the assignment, and when I got both my grandparents in the room she started off with all the ideas. “You have to love someone, but you have to be friends too.” She then added that it’s helpful to have the same interests. “Since we retired, we like politics." When I asked “what else,” she replied, “lets see... We do things for each other without being asked. There are some things that are gender oriented but hey, we can do whatever.” At one point in the discussion, she commented, “I love sitting here and trying to think.” Other small things that were mentioned were that “having kids and a family” can help to keep a marriage strong, as well as having “enough money to not worry about things.” She elaborated that they aren’t rich, but are able to live comfortable due to years of both her and my grandfather working. My grandmother concluded with “be willing to compromise, even when you’re stubborn.”
When I asked my grandfather, he had a witty answer at the ready with a laugh. “Let me say [that] if we really knew, we'd copyright it and we'd be millionaires." A lot of what he had to say went off of my grandmother’s ideas. On politics he added with a smile, “fortunately, we're on the same side.” At one point he added, “respect each other and each others opinions.” He concluded his points with have a “good sense of humor, [and] be able to laugh at yourself.”
I loved talking with my grandparents, as they tend to complete each others sentences and ideas. I think that their marriage has lasted so long not only because they raised four girls and get to help with raising six grandchildren, but because they had a perfect relationship of their own to look upon. My great-grandparents celebrated almost 71 years of marriage, being shy of only two days when my great-grandmother passed away last year. I think that if there was a handbook that was copyrighted with ideas on “what makes a marriage successful?” it would have friendship as the key point. As my grandmother said, being friends is extremely important. I agree because I see that it builds trust, communication, understanding, and love... everything else will follow as it should. As I grow older and start to build a serious relationship of my own, I will be sure to keep in mind everything that my grandparents said. I know that when the time comes I’ll find a husband and relationship that will be just as strong as both my grandparents and my great-grandparents.

A Message from the Girl Inside

There are some nights where the brokeness I've learned to ignore bring tears to my eyes, and there's nothing I can do to keep them from coming. They are driven by the memories... By the past I can not escape.

There's this little girl that lives inside of me. She wanders the rooms of her childhood home. She sits on her bed and listens to the lost echos of her laughter as her daddy reads her a bed time story. She hides in the corner, as she sees herself dance around the house knowing she'll live with mommy. She cries, as the arguments play over and over again like some broken record. She stands tall, as she waves goodbye to her imaginary audience at the end of her driveway for the last time.

This little girl exists inside of me, making a home inside my broken heart. Broken from all the missed moments of growing up without a daddy around. Mommy's been wonderful, but daddy was the one to take me outside to play ball, to sit on the steps and experience the science of dry ice. He was the one that would get bottle rockets to shoot up in the air, and build forts out of pillows and chairs and blankets so they weren't just forts, they were castles. All the memories from when it was just me, my sister, and my daddy are locked away... but the little girl inside of me is trying to unlock them all.

*        *        *        *        *        *        *

Life is so complicated... and as I wrote the above, it must have been about a month ago, I tried to put myself back into the sad, fragile mentality that I had been in that night. But it kinda takes a special equation to make that little girl appear. For one, things have to really suck. What I mean by that is it takes a bad day, or something frusterating to make it so that I feel as if the only way to move on or forget is to just think about other things. My mind is like a maze, one thought leads into another and another leads into the first and it just goes on and on. When it's negativity driving myself into that maze, I tend to go down the paths with the lables "sad" "depressing" "childhood memories". Hmm... maybe I shouldn't have listed the third with the first two but hey, that's the way it tends to go in my world. There's some tear-jerkers lurking in the past of youngness, and misery sure loves company. This path then jumps to all the things that coulda-woulda-shoulda been. Things with my Father that I missed growing up. After my parents divorce, things were never the same. Not that I remember much before that (that's a lie... if I sit and think real hard, tapping my head like silly ole Pooh, I come up with some pretty cool things actually) but my point is that life was still good even when it was just myself, my sister and him. But when he got remarried, things started to get messy, and then the world just kinda exploded. Feelings of being forgotten and replaced and actually a lot of "what the hell did I do wrong (to deserve this?!?)" slowly started to overcome the good memories. Those negative feelings, they started to build up a wall and in the process, burried a little girl inside. The little girl that I used to be.

Now as I've grown up, relatively speaking, all the walls that I built in my early teen years are starting to crumble. I'm trying to not hold anything against my father, as I'm trying just as hard to not find things to hold against my mother. Everything happend and happens for a reason. I know I wouldn't be writing this, writing a lot of what's on this blog if it wasn't for my past experiences. And for those who are reading this and don't know much of my past... It's a novel that I've been meaning to pen for years upon years. Maybe I'll actually get around writing it one of these days. Maybe this is just the first, and last chapter. But the little girl that was buried inside of me is breaking free, and she wants to be heard. She's pushing all those good memories back to the front of my mind so that as I struggle with trying to let go of all the bad to face some of the big questions of the future. One of the biggest ones that always broke my heart a little more every time I considered it was:

"So I really want my father daddy walking me down the isle?"

Consider this question first from a girl of about 12... Yeah, it was kinda a big deal. The movie What a Girl Wants, has always been a personal favourite, and the storyline of Daphne looking for her father in hopes that she'll get her father-daughter dance always made made me consider the great "what-if" of my future. Regardless, the walls went up and every day seemed to make it seem as if there would be no turning back. But ever time I see that movie, the tears make just enough room for that little girl inside of me to make her point. 

It's a process, breaking down the fortress that's tried to protect my heart. But Rome wasn't built in a day. (Take that in reverse, it'll makes more sense). And plus, I'm not doing this all on my own. I'm being lead out of this crazy mind maze, with a tiny hand in mine.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Dirty Feet

I like to have dirty feet... it makes me happy.

^.^

Weird first line, huh? But hear me out... here's why I love dirty feet.

1) Dirty feet means that I had my shoes off.

2) If I had my shoes off, it must have been nice weather.

3) If it was nice weather, then the temperatures must be over 65 degrees. (That's plenty warm enough to either wear sandals or my flippy floppies)

And what's better than warm weather?

How about being able to feel the grass between my toes, the squish of mud from the mid-morning rain, and yes, the pain of walking across tiny rocks? It's all the feelings of spring, that lead up the the oh-so-indescribable feelings of summer. The sand, the water, the warm warm air. I'm getting antsy, wanting to wear my shorts all the time... But if I must wait till summer to wear my shorts 24/7 (stupid school dress code!), I suppose I'll settle for a little extra time in the shower to clean my dirty feet. (And a better excuse to paint my toe nails!)


Reel Of Life

As I close my eyes,
a movie plays.
The reel of life flashes across the darkness.
Memories so vivid,
it brings feeling back into my heart.
Yes.
Even the pain of all this confusion is better than feeling nothing.
Each scene begins and ends as quickly as the first,
but there's no rhyme or reason to it.
My emotions are running high,
and my patience is on the contrary.
Frustration contorts my body,
and soon I'm bent in two.
Tears run down my cheek,
only to fall upon my toes.
It's like a dam has a hole
and it's grown to let drops as big as peas through.
I open my eyes,
hoping to find some semblance of what used to be.
I dig deep within myself but it doesn't make sense.
I can't find the feeling..
the sense of home...
I just don't know.
I don't know if what i'm doing,
is supposed to be,
or if I'm just lying to myself.
I scream so loud that...
only my thoughts can hear the pain.
After what seems like hours of sobbing,
I roll over in exhaustion.
My eyes fall shut.
All power is cut off.
And no movie begins again.