Sunday, May 06, 2012

A Message from the Girl Inside

There are some nights where the brokeness I've learned to ignore bring tears to my eyes, and there's nothing I can do to keep them from coming. They are driven by the memories... By the past I can not escape.

There's this little girl that lives inside of me. She wanders the rooms of her childhood home. She sits on her bed and listens to the lost echos of her laughter as her daddy reads her a bed time story. She hides in the corner, as she sees herself dance around the house knowing she'll live with mommy. She cries, as the arguments play over and over again like some broken record. She stands tall, as she waves goodbye to her imaginary audience at the end of her driveway for the last time.

This little girl exists inside of me, making a home inside my broken heart. Broken from all the missed moments of growing up without a daddy around. Mommy's been wonderful, but daddy was the one to take me outside to play ball, to sit on the steps and experience the science of dry ice. He was the one that would get bottle rockets to shoot up in the air, and build forts out of pillows and chairs and blankets so they weren't just forts, they were castles. All the memories from when it was just me, my sister, and my daddy are locked away... but the little girl inside of me is trying to unlock them all.

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Life is so complicated... and as I wrote the above, it must have been about a month ago, I tried to put myself back into the sad, fragile mentality that I had been in that night. But it kinda takes a special equation to make that little girl appear. For one, things have to really suck. What I mean by that is it takes a bad day, or something frusterating to make it so that I feel as if the only way to move on or forget is to just think about other things. My mind is like a maze, one thought leads into another and another leads into the first and it just goes on and on. When it's negativity driving myself into that maze, I tend to go down the paths with the lables "sad" "depressing" "childhood memories". Hmm... maybe I shouldn't have listed the third with the first two but hey, that's the way it tends to go in my world. There's some tear-jerkers lurking in the past of youngness, and misery sure loves company. This path then jumps to all the things that coulda-woulda-shoulda been. Things with my Father that I missed growing up. After my parents divorce, things were never the same. Not that I remember much before that (that's a lie... if I sit and think real hard, tapping my head like silly ole Pooh, I come up with some pretty cool things actually) but my point is that life was still good even when it was just myself, my sister and him. But when he got remarried, things started to get messy, and then the world just kinda exploded. Feelings of being forgotten and replaced and actually a lot of "what the hell did I do wrong (to deserve this?!?)" slowly started to overcome the good memories. Those negative feelings, they started to build up a wall and in the process, burried a little girl inside. The little girl that I used to be.

Now as I've grown up, relatively speaking, all the walls that I built in my early teen years are starting to crumble. I'm trying to not hold anything against my father, as I'm trying just as hard to not find things to hold against my mother. Everything happend and happens for a reason. I know I wouldn't be writing this, writing a lot of what's on this blog if it wasn't for my past experiences. And for those who are reading this and don't know much of my past... It's a novel that I've been meaning to pen for years upon years. Maybe I'll actually get around writing it one of these days. Maybe this is just the first, and last chapter. But the little girl that was buried inside of me is breaking free, and she wants to be heard. She's pushing all those good memories back to the front of my mind so that as I struggle with trying to let go of all the bad to face some of the big questions of the future. One of the biggest ones that always broke my heart a little more every time I considered it was:

"So I really want my father daddy walking me down the isle?"

Consider this question first from a girl of about 12... Yeah, it was kinda a big deal. The movie What a Girl Wants, has always been a personal favourite, and the storyline of Daphne looking for her father in hopes that she'll get her father-daughter dance always made made me consider the great "what-if" of my future. Regardless, the walls went up and every day seemed to make it seem as if there would be no turning back. But ever time I see that movie, the tears make just enough room for that little girl inside of me to make her point. 

It's a process, breaking down the fortress that's tried to protect my heart. But Rome wasn't built in a day. (Take that in reverse, it'll makes more sense). And plus, I'm not doing this all on my own. I'm being lead out of this crazy mind maze, with a tiny hand in mine.

3 comments:

  1. What a beautiful and heartfelt post. I could almost feel how cathartic writing this must have been simply by reading it.

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    1. Thank you. It had been something that had sat in my phone for about a month, and so I sent it to my email to work on at a later date. Last night I had nothing to do and no with interest in sleeping, I decided to try to finish it. I'm surprised how it all came out, because it's been something that I've been trying to put into words for years.

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  2. Real deep Steph. Glad you shared -- anytime you need to talk about anything, you know where to find me. We're always here for you.

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