Saturday, June 02, 2012
Playing Cards on a Train inside a Box Full of Love
Relationships... they come and go. People are either physically in your life or only their presence is. Once you've met someone... the only way to get rid of him or her is to just forget, but we all know how easy that can be. (Yes, that was sarcastic.) There are times when thoughts of that special someone is tossed to the wayside by more important things, but when the slightest gap between the train that is thought appears, the heart shoves their face back to the forefront of your mind. For me, it can be gut wrenching. The abyss that swallowed up the warmth in my chest makes itself known, and from it's grasp escapes what's left... The "shoulda-coulda-woulda's" and the "what-if's"... the memories rise up and take back what common sense had settled down in my brain and ever so persuasively convinces it to pack up and leave town, rendering my heart defenseless (which, unbeknownst to my heart, is not a good thing!). About an hour ago I finished watching The Lake House with my darling mother for the first time. It's been awhile since I had last seen a romance and honest to God, sometimes the genre kills me. Love is something I have lost all control with, but then again, when did I ever have control? Regardless if I knew what I was doing, I, at the very least, knew when something special was going on to try to do something about it. When I was younger it never worked out, probably because everything I saw was filtered through the eyes of a day dreamer and interperted by a boy crazy girl. The only difference now, is that I know what cards I hold in my hands, and with that comes power. With power comes a price, that being you need someone to play the game with. Otherwise, I'm just another lonely girl sitting at a table by herself, rightfully playing solitaire. So as I sit here, reading what I type out loud and deciding where to place my over-zealous affair with the commas and ellipses, I yearn for some kind of relationship. I don't want it to be one that will last forever unless it's meant to, and if it is I don't want to know. Today is a gift, and as all the wise people say that's why it's called the present, and so it is in each gift wrapped day that I want to live, slowly removing the bow, and then lifting the wrap off by gently peeling away the tape. I want to have fun in doing so... I want tomorrow to still be a mystery and to be able to look at it with endless wonder as to what it contains in the same way that I want to be able to look at someone and have that moment where I know deep down inside it was meant to be. I can't have a guy putting his feeling out on the line, saying that they foresee us being together forever without me feeling the same way... that's happened before and the end result is I push him away. I don't want that anymore...I don't want to be so strong and independent that I can't let anyone in. I miss being able to have the late night conversations where I fall asleep waiting for his reply, I miss sitting in class just thinking about what the future may or may not hold... I want to be able to write a letter and know that there's a guy who's waiting for it as much as I wait for his reply... I want to be able to wish that one day things will work out in such a way that will result in endless bliss. As of right now... it's all in the cards. There are so many presents waiting to be unwrapped. Soon, the train will be pulling into the station and who knows who or what will get on. It's honestly all a mystery. The only thing I am positive as of right now, is that something has changed within me, that something is not the same. Not to quote Wicked, but there's something inside me that has grown. It's a tiny essence of hope, tying itself with strength to my heart. It's a reminder that something good can always happen, and to never give up. It's there right now, and I'm pretty sure it'll be there in the morning. So wherever you will be in a few years, my dear, I know I'll be there with you when the time is right. Until then, sweet dreams.