Thursday, July 19, 2012
At this point, those who have been following me and keeping up with the majority of my posts know who and what I'm talking about when I talk about my dear friend Tom... I am sitting here getting a river of tears under control as I realize how much I have been wrapped up in my own tiny world and how I've forgotten about others outside of it.
Life... God there's just..... Why? Why is there so much to everything, why does everything happen this way?
I suppose to make sense of all of this, I should back track to a normally unlucky day.
Friday the 13th came and passed last Friday, and it was on this day that I decided to take a chance on love. Love truly does appear when least expected, so the trick there is not to be looking for it. Although for this summer I wanted nothing more than to find a small Summer romance, I instead was blinded by something bigger than the imagination can come up with. It struck me as I lived my life, and in doing so, had left little room for thoughts about my best friend, Andrew... and no room at all on how 5 months ago he, along with the rest of the world, lost Tom.
All day on the 13th I had been left to my own devices, and looking back now... I feel like a terrible person, friend, and sister. After being gone for two weeks, it was on that Friday that I was back in town for a few hours before setting out once aging, this time to OCMD for the weekend. Andrew wanted time to visit, because it had been quite awhile since we last saw each other. But I was too focused on what I thought was important to me at the time...
My day was non-stop, with going to breakfast with my mum, seeing the doctor, stopping up at Charming Charlie and the Christmas Tree Shop, heading to Target then spending a good two hours in Barnes and Nobles waiting for a guy who was selling me a camera. It was in those two hours that I finished a book and wandered the shelves. It was in those two hours that I could have spent time with Andrew if for nothing more than to just see my best friend. But no. That idea never once crossed my mind, for I was stuck in the excitement of getting my special Cannon.
From finally getting my camera and getting taught the basics, I went home, got my stuff, and it was away for the weekend I went. Even as I was stuck in a car for 5 hours, looking at my phone every time a new message came in and I was deciding on starting a new relationship, the date never crossed my mind, nor did it until just now...
Now has given me the time so that I can have my guilt laid out for the world to read, but now also comes what I have learned from it. Because in every loss, there is a lesson to be found and a reason that can influence the rest of time.
To bring it all back to the reason for this post, Tom, from all that I've heard, was happy with where he was in life when his time came... I believe him to have had the world at his finger tips and true love in his heart. Tom and I had talked on occasion in the years past, yet I never thought he would make such an impact on my life as he has right now.
As I face the world in which Tom was taken too soon out of, I find myself falling in love. I sit here and I realize once again the saying on that necklace I wore that day "You only live once, and if you do it right, once is enough." I'm not some reckless teenager screaming "YOLO!!", rather, I'm recognizing is as that there is a meaningful side of life, every action has a reaction and possible consequences, and no matter what you do, you should plan on following through with everything you face.
The reality is this:
Our time on this Earth is short... and it's true in the fact that in a split second everything can change. Be grateful with any time you get with your loved ones... and don't complain when things get hard and you can't be with them in person 24/7. There are some people out there that don't have the power to be with their loved ones at all, let alone call them up on the phone or see them over the computer.
I've spent a long while typing this up, for I also have my phone in the covers next to me. I've been taking some time to text the one I find myself to have fallen in love with. The more I think about it, the more I realize that everything that has happened here in my life has led me to this point. Everything that is past is past, and I can either forget about it, be haunted by it, or learn from it.
Tom, you have taught me so much, and although I regret not forging a deeper friendship, you have touched my life in so many ways. I will never be able to forget what happened... I may not remember everything to the day, but there will always be something that takes my thoughts back to you. Be it the bracelet, my Troop 281 shirt, wanting to be out in the woods, or Andrew's dog tags, know that I now think about life deeper because of you. To you I will be forever grateful, for I will pass this knowledge to my children, and one day they will look up to you knowing what a great person you were to have touched their lives as well.
I thought I was done telling your story weeks ago, but the truth is... although you are no longer with us, there will always be something that will bring me back to you. You will forever inspire me, and because of that, along with the love from others, I swear to God Tom, you will never be forgotten.