It's been quite awhile hasn't it?
I suppose it's all my fault. I mean, whose else could it be? You all have been busy blogging away and putting up, I have no doubt, fabulous posts like you always have.
And yet there's me.
Where to start? That does seem to be a frequent problem of mine... Of course the beginning is a logical point of departure, but it's figuring out where the train leaves the station that's hard. And did I need to take five minutes to figure out different ways to put into words a new chapter, the first dip of a toe, or very simply the start? I know I didn't HAVE to... but it's nice to put my brain to work once again. You see, it's been quite awhile.
But I think I've already made that point here.
What is my point here?
Oh my... I suppose I could take that down the long road of why am I here, on this planet, but to be frank I don't think I have the mental capacity at 2:30 in the morning to ponder on that subject.
Perhaps I should start blogging at a normal hour.
A normal hour... Besides normal being vastly overrated, I haven't gotten to bed before two in the morning in over a month now. My brain can't shut off, and so I find myself back on my laptop connecting with people I'll be meeting at school in 16 days, checking Facebook and Twitter, checking for new comments here and seeing if I have any emails. When there's nothing left, I'm left to ponder alone in the darkness.
Pondering can be dangerous. I used to have a boyfriend that was enough to keep me attached to my phone until my eyelids gave out, but I ended things with him. So I suppose this is now kind of a relationship update... And yes, I thought I loved him. But I also love the rain, to write haiku, and my aunt's pasta salad. The difference is that I wasn't IN love. Sure, it was beautiful and he was a great guy. He was good to me and really would do anything for me. But there were several problems.
1) We never truly met in person, outside of seeing each other at an Albright event.
2) He was no longer going to Albright. A 6 hour long distance relationship built from not knowing each other in person? As much as I wanted to make it work with such a gentleman, it wasn't practical. As a friend told me as I was struggling with figuring out what was best: "He's a penpal, not a boyfriend." Harsh, but true.
3) This I think is the biggest reason. He wanted my life. He thought he was head-over-heels for me and that I was "The One". As I've said before... I can't live my life like that. I can't wake up to a new day knowing that my life is dominated in that sense. One day I will be able to do that... but I need to make a few mistakes here and there, I need to have my heart broken, to make a real face-to-face in person connection with a man I have grown to trust. It can't happen over night, or over a week. To be in love, I believe you have to first be good friends, then God willing the magic will go from there. I believe you have to know the struggles that life has given you in order to know what it's like to count on that other person, to know what it's like to have them be there for you. You have to laugh together, cry together, hold each other, wish, hope and dream with each other. There's so many elements, and to have that expected of me was just too much. We barely knew one another, and it wasn't fair to either of us to keep us closed off from the endless possibilities that college is going to bring us.
Those thoughts have been swirling around my head for the past week since I broke it off, and now I'm just ready to face the rest of the world as I've grown accustomed. On my own.
I swear to you it's not as depressing as it may seem.
If I am ever to be truly happy, with or without someone else by my side, I need to make sure I can be happy on my own.
I see it like this: If there can be electric cars that run by themselves, by the electricity that they create just by running... then there's nothing to stop them but time. To have gasoline as back up is wonderful, but to be able to support oneself is important. This is how I see my happiness. I cannot stay happy 24/7 by counting on others to be my gasoline. I need to make my own electricity. I need to support myself. I need to get my life under control, to find motivation within myself, to accomplish things out of my own ambition. Again, I know it's good to have others to be there to support me when it gets hard to swim on my own, but there can't always be lifeboats around to save me.
So yeah... that's been a lot of what's on my mind lately. As school is coming around the bend again, I'm slightly going crazy... I have a few thousand dollars left to come up with to pay just for this semester, then another few for the Spring semester. I have to continue this battle with my ever so filled room of stuff. It's wonderful though, knowing that a lot of the whatnot I've gathered over my 18 years will be going to kids who need it instead of just sitting and collecting dust. And oh, right, there's officially living with Lyme Disease too. But hey, I finished my medication a few weeks back and I've been pretty decent ever since so I think it's become just a waiting game of watching for the return of symptoms. People on Facebook keep on telling me how strong I am and how I have such a great attitude towards having it... but I don't really get it. To me, it's like having the Chicken Pox (which I had when I was little, on top of a double ear infection... boy is that a story for another day haha!) and so why would I face life any differently? Maybe I don't understand the bigger picture or the complications I'm facing, but my room's not going to clean itself, my stuff isn't going to come to life like Toy Story and climb into the boxes for me, and my laundry isn't going to wash itself either. I can't curl up and watch my life pass before me because I now have another wonderful quirk. Maybe someone can tell me that I'm being overly optimistic and I need a good dose of depression? Don't want to let me get too high on this hot air balloon of happiness now don't we?
Yes, I am just kidding. And now I'm just going to sleep. I will hopefully have more for you to feast your eyes on tomorrow, but in the mean time I feel like sharing this potentially quite useless fact with you:
You cannot sneeze while asleep.
So for those who are trying to avoid someone by sleeping, don't sneeze. To those trying to check if they're kids, spouse, or other person is asleep... if you hear them sneeze then the answer would be NO.
Carry on, happy sneeze listening.