Saturday, September 15, 2012

On My Own

It's amazing what you observe when sitting with coffee in hand... for at least two hours I sat outside enjoying the cool breeze and the warmth of the sun. I tried to listen to the simplicity of the day, the song of the birds and the cries of the crickets, but my peace was broken by conversation. I watched people walk by, and how they were so wrapped up in the drama of their world. Did they notice the way the light turned the grass to gold? The way the clouds brush white against the sky? The girl sitting with coffee in hand? It's like I was invisible... But I was okay with that. I didn't want people asking if I was alright... I didn't want to start crying again. Because the story is this: I'm not alright. I've gotten to the point of saying that I'm content with life as it is, but then life just kinda decides that I shouldn't be, and that I need more problems to deal with. As it stands, I'm still here, I've gotten through everything it's thrown at me so far, and I should be able to deal with whatever new concoction it comes up for me. But I can't. There's just too much any more... and I'm kind of afraid I'll go back down the dark road I was on earlier in the year. I know I have people that I can count on here, but I'm not used to it. I'm not used to the constant support, to the fact that I don't have to sit on my own and deal with it all myself. I say I'm an open book, and I tell people what they want to know about me when it's in the past. It's the current stuff, the stories that aren't finished yet that I have a problem with. I can be strong for other people, I can support them and help them, but I hate showing that I can't be strong for myself. I can't even write what's going on... because if I do then I'm acknowledging that it's reality. Out of sight, out of mind. But I need to face it... time's running out and October will be here before I know it.........

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