Monday, December 03, 2012

Damn It

God fucking damn it.

There's just... there's nothing else for me to say. Not now. There hasn't been much for me to say actually. Just lots of stuff going on around campus in the theatre and otherwise but..... damn it, damn it, damn it all.

What's the point in beating around the bush? It's as simple as this: Dallas High School Class of 2012 have 3 angels watching over us now. On Saturday, a guy I graduated with crashed into a tree. I only knew him from in the halls and maybe a gen ed class here and there but that doesn't mean it means less to me than Tom or Corey's. Jason was a great guy, and it's such a God damn shame that we had to loose another promising soul from this world.

I thought I appreciated what I had before Tom, and then more so after he passed. But now, just... every second is so precious. I never knew how precious it was until this all happened. I hate sitting by myself because that's less time I have to spend with anyone else. I want to be around my friends and my family, and I guess that's part of why I'm making a conscious effort this Christmas to make things better.

I'm going to go up to New Hampshire for Christmas. For an entire week I will have voluntarily gone up. Not because of some court order or mother telling me I have to, it will because of my own ambition. This whole divorce between my mother and father, it's taken one hell of a toll on me and my life. It's certainly done it's part in making me who I am. I once heard someone say something along the lines of "children of divorced parents are screwed up". Well, I'm not you're ordinary Joe if that's what you mean. I think because of it I've gained some kind of deeper appreciation for the little things, like having someone to count on to be there for me. It's an unusual concept that's found in surplus here at college.

Regardless, I'm going up to NH this season to make things better between my father, grandfather, and I. I've recently come to the conclusion that the divorce has been a wedge between myself and them, and it's been there for too long. For too long have they tried to get me to see their side in this divorce and for too long I've tried to explain to them that my thoughts are my own and I won't be agreeing with their side any time soon. For too long I've seen their side and that hasn't been good enough.

That's just the way it is.

And it doesn't matter anymore.

I am no longer bound by the courts, I am no longer living under the word of my mother. I am my own person, and I am living my own life the way I want to. The divorce is the past. I'm not about to forget any of it, the good or the bad. But I am willing to look past it all. I'm planning on going up there and having it be a new start. I'll be done with my first semester of college (ending in just about a week!) and I'll be getting closer to heading on new adventures farther from home. I want them to be a part of it all, but they have to be on the same page with me. I can't go up there and be bombarded with cries of "see it my way!" It had gotten to the point of one summer, I shut myself into one of the cars with a phone I had quietly taken from it's holder and called my mother, wishing I could come home. A high school girl, feeling like a camper of elementary age stuck at the world's worst summer camp where all the other girls picked on her. That's just about what it was like. Pathetic, eh?

So that's where my life's at. Kinda. There's the loss of yet another classmate and family drama that goes beyond me traveling to New Hampshire for Christmas. On top of it all there's a 2 week time span to fit in essays I have to write, tests and finals to take, plays to attended, poetry to read, improv to performed, and friends to see and take care of. And who's taking care of me? Well, me of course! I have the worlds best roommate and a great friend who I get along with brilliantly but sometimes I need that someone who I just click with. And I haven't found that person yet. I know I need to stop looking and wait for it to just happen, but it's hard. Oh well, woe is me. That's the end of that pity party, I was never good at those things.

If you'd like to learn about what a wonderful guy Jason was, I barely knew him but read his Obituary here.

1 comment:

  1. My prayers and thoughts go out to Jason's family. I read the obituary. He seems like he was a wonderful person.


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