Thursday, May 29, 2014

A Letter About My Tattoos

To those who are concerned,

I hope you know that I respect you. I cherish all of the memories, the good and the bad. It's gotten us to the point we are today and I only hope to continue building our relationship and to keep talking more often.

With that said, I hope that you can accept that I'm set on getting this tattoo. You don't have to be happy with it, your reactions and thoughts are yours and yours alone and no matter what I will always be open to hearing your point of view. I only ask that you be open to hearing (well, reading) my reasons on getting this tattoo, any tattoo really.

The words are a part of me more than any scar I have, and I have several rather large ones. For me, and me alone, scars and tattoos have memories and stories, explanations and reasons. They are one of a kind, and set me apart from everyone else. Again, they're a part of me. The scars, I had no choice over. I didn't wish for my mole to be removed and in it's place an off white blob that hasn't faded and probably will never. As I was shaving my legs one day I didn't plan to nick myself in such a way that it actually turned out to be a large gash. Scars are accidents.

Tattoos are no accident. I don't fall into a machine and the next thing I know there's marks that will never go away. Tattoos are hours and nights and days and weeks and months of thought that culminate in one moment of reveal and then fade into a state of having been there all along. The words and drawings (well one "drawing") are the jewelry I wear every day. They are an extension of who I am.

"Hope" I have written on my wrist so I can see it and to that, I go back to November 7, 2011 when I wrote this:

"Although it may seem like there's no hope in sight, don't let go. Don't lose sight of who you are and what you aspire to be. Because there is always hope. Hope is there, under your skin, pulsing throughout your body. For as long as there is a heart to keep you living, there is hope that tomorrow may bring a better day. There is hope that the hands that are only your own may make your troubles go away. You have the power to make your life the best it is. Even if you can't change the circumstances, the state of mind you perceive them in makes all the difference. Sometimes the reminder is all in the wrist..."

I didn't edit a word of that, yet I will tell you and anyone else the same thing. I will never stop believing in the power of hope.

A bird, on my ear, for the reason that isn't of the same magnitude as the last, but because of who I am. I'm a people watcher. I like being at high elevations, sitting up higher at the movies and events, all to see the big picture. To see the people, to see everything. And people talk to me, oh how they talk. I wish I could say this without sounding full of myself and self important (I'm cringing as I write this) but the amount of lives that I've been a part of if not just for a moment... It's amazing. The world is an amazing place full of connections and reactions and I am so grateful to have the chance to make a difference, even if I'm the only one who can really see it. If you want examples and have the time to listen I'll tell you all of my stories. So there's the concept of "a little birdy told me..." on top of this last part; a bird has freedom. Like I said before, it has the ability to fly and see everything from above. But the bird on my ear is sitting. With that I say, it's important to settle down, to find a place to call home. Yes, the freedom is always there, but there's something about not settling, but fining a place where one belongs and can feel safe.

And so we come to the third, currently nonexistent, tattoo. I beg you to please stay with me, and keep your mind open. Keep it open like the vastness of the universe in which the greatest night light resides. "live like the moon". The moon is a cold, hard rock. Nothing exciting. It just kinda exists. It's purpose comes from the sun, as the sun gives this chunk of rock a glowing light, a warmth that all can see. This light that only the moon can give lights the way for so many, it's guidance reflects off the path wherever one may find him or herself. But the moon is smart. It remembers to take time for itself. Not because it is selfish, but because it's important to take care of oneself as well. Taking care of other people is exhausting day in and day out. During this time where the moon is nowhere to be found, outside of perhaps a small and faint glow, we all know it's still there. The moon is never truly gone. No matter where one is, the moon will always be there. A faithful and loving and trusting companion. A great friend. It will follow you on any car ride, it will steal some of that sun's day time and hold tight the sky for a few more hours, it will never go away. And so that's how I wish to live. How I wish others to understand me to be. A person they can go to, no matter what. Even if I'm not there, I can try to be in whatever way there is available, be that a phone call or text or email or FaceTime et cetera. But I do need to take care of myself. And I need that little reminder in among all of this. I had written down a lot of other ways to relate to the phrase, but this is at least a small start.

As to your concerns with jobs, the way a lot of fields work these days it's not much of an issue. If it is, there's makeup and watches and easy ways to cover it all up. I've thought about it and that's partially why I have them in brown. Not only does it go well with my skin tone it's not easily noticed. I tend to not let anything go unthought of when I consider something like this.

I really do hope that I haven't sounded upset or nasty or condescending or anything negative... I'm really just trying to explain myself not for the reason of needing to justify why I've done and wanted such things but so that you can understand the person I am. I know you're concerns are out of wanting only the best for me, and I really do appreciate it. But I can't change who I am, I can't take away the scars and the stories and the thoughts that fill up my head. The tattoos are already a part of me, just, there's only two that can be seen. There's more under my skin, there's more places and ideas to draw from that reveal truly the person I am. And I love that. I love me. I will never regret any of these decisions.

Now that all of this has been said, I am going to apologize now because I cannot address your last concern in the easy voice I believe to have been writing in. You are concerned with "many single male college students". To all of the "many single male college students" I say TO HELL. If a guy doesn't like my tattoos and doesn't want to understand them by listening (or reading like you have so graciously done), TO HELL WITH HIM. If any guy saw me, a girl with tattoos, as an easy catch or a more interesting female specimen or whatever, I say TO HELL. I am me with every piece of baggage I carry around with me, visible and invisible; things that are tangible and things that are not. I will not deny it to myself, I will not deny it to you, and I certainly will not deny it to the "many single male college students".

I am more than capable of standing up for myself and I am more than capable of making my self heard loud and clear. I will find my Prince Charming some day out there in the great unknown, and he will love every piece of me. Look up John Legend's song "All of Me". That song rings truth through every relationship of true love. And true love is more than that of a marriage, it's found in family and friendship. I hope that you listen to that song and find that no matter what I may look like, a bit banged up with a few holes and etches of words and pictures to match, I'm still me. I'm prefect how I am and I'm only going to ever be the most perfect version of me I can be. Because there's only now, I can't go back. I can only keep moving forward. I hope you can too.

Regardless if you read all of this or some of it, now or never, I love you. I know you want the best for me and that you want me to be the best person I can be. But I'm the one who holds my best interests in mind. It's only me up here in this messy maze that's my head. I will always be open to hearing other people's thoughts and opinions, because it's important to get another perspective. But tonight I've given you mine. It's up to you if you want to see where I'm coming from. If you don't, that's okay. I love you no matter what.

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